2 Many Kids 2 Little Time

Got me to thinking

Hurricane Katrina

I heard a lesson on Jeremiah 17 on Sunday and the recent hurricane is making the intended lesson even more vivid to me. "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him." Jer. 17:7 compare this to vs. 5 "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength..." How many people said they were praying for their life during hurricane Katrina? How many people depended on the weather service prediction of where the storm would hit? Wow - what devastation! I was horrified to see the pictures of destruction in Mississippi and Lousiana. The victims of this storm are definitely in my prayers - especially the very young and the very old. May God bless them and care for them during this time of tragedy.

Psalm 23
"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

Out on a limb

I've been thinking about Hurrican Katrina again. Why did this horror happen? I believe God is in charge of all events so I always want to know how death and destruction figure in to accomplishing his plan with the earth. I broke down in tears a few times over the past few weeks watching the suffering of the people trying to flee New Orleans. It's very hard for me to witness children suffering. As a mother, I can't imagine not being able to provide the necessities (food, water, shelter, safety) for my own children. To watch my child begging for water is incomprehensible. My prayers are with these people. God has to have a reason for this event - I immediately connected it in my mind to the recent Gaza pullout (mid-August)in Israel. This forced evacuation of Jews from their homes was backed by the United States. I cried a lot of tears reading about Israel forcing their own citizens from their homes. 9,500+ Jews had to leave their homes, vineyards, friends, livelihood, etc, and be relocated to temporary government housing. Homes (like in New Orleans) some families had lived in for 20+ years. Anyway, just something I've been thinking about... is there a connection?

Personal Study

I've started a personal study of Psalm 119 - just thought I'd share the first stanza. This Psalm is an acrostic poem; the verses of each stanza begin with the same letter in the Hebrew alphabet.

Aleph

Psalm 119:1-8 "Blessed (Happy) are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord. Blessed are they who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart. They do nothing wrong; they walk in his ways. You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed. Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees! Then I would not be put to shame when I consider your commands. I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws. I will obey your decrees; do not utterly forsake me."

Time to gripe -

Okay- I can't stand it anymore. I HAVE TO GRIPE!

What was the government thinking giving evacuees $2000 debit cards? Reportedly, $20 million plus...arrggghhh!

And now there are reports of these FEMA cards being spent on designer purses and jeans, beer in strip clubs, and other "necessities." This just BOTHERS me!

I have donated money, food, and clothing for the efforts to aid victims of Katrina and now I must also take some of them on a shopping spree? Generous people stop being generous because of the blatant expectancy of help/donations by some "victims." Of course, I don't want to lump all of the people affected by the hurricanes into one heap because I know not all of the victims are users. Users/cheaters/liars/thieves have to ruin it for everyone.

Before I read about the misuse of the debit cards in the news media, a family member told me of someone she knew who worked in a Car Audio shop in Louisiana who had installed a few car stereos and been paid with FEMA debit cards. ARRGGHH!

I hope all of these people are prosecuted (more tax money) and their potential earnings (probably won't ever have a job) are garnished until they "pay back" what they've stolen...yes - STOLEN!

AARRGGHH! 

Humanity

Compassion for all

I've been thinking again...

I've been dwelling on this thought for some time, turning it over and over in my mind - musing...

I suppose the recent catastrophic events around the world are making me think about the value of human life. The tsunami (not even a year ago - does anyone remember that horrific event?), Hurricane Katrina (of course I think about that one on a daily basis because Dyron is still in New Orleans working on a job!), and most recently the earthquake in Pakistan and India have triggered my continued thoughts on humanity and how we value each other. Let's also mention the poverty, hunger, disease, slavery, etc. that runs rampant on this planet - including the richest nation ever to exist - the United States!

What a mess this world is in!

I try not to dwell on it too much because it's so depressing. But is that the right attitude? Maybe thinking about the suffering of others keeps me grounded. It also gives me the motivation to help. Isn't that what Jesus spent his whole life doing? Helping others? Not just spiritually - but physically. He cured disease, fed the hungry, gave hope to the poor...

Anyway - here's my main thought on the matter of the value of human life. We all see people differently. God sees us all the same - as his creation. Yes, some of us are trying to follow him. But - do I value an upper middle-class person above a poor person? Do I show favoritism simply because of the material wealth a person may possess? What is the difference between me and a poor woman with barely enough food to feed her children? Why would someone look at me with more favoritism than that poor woman? Am I nicer? Am I more compassionate? Am I more giving? Am I more spiritual? Are my morals better? Am I more trustworthy? WHY?

Who has more value - Jessica Simpson or a poor African woman?

Who has more value - Paris Hilton or a young Iraqi girl?

Who has more value - Oprah Winfrey or an orphaned Pakistani boy?

I think of who I am on the inside. What is my example to my children? How do I treat others? Am I loving? Am I generous of my time, money, etc? Do I genuinely care for others? people I don't even know? These are questions I ponder on a daily basis -

I fail miserably every day.

But I'm trying...

Psalm 37:4  "Delight yourself in the Lord; and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Continuing with the race theme...

Dyron is out of town...

AGAIN...

I made a deal with him - I would only watch "CSI" when he was on the road. But, as he pointed out on our Florida trip- "why are you going to fill your mind with such horrific images?" He's absolutely right - even though I love the show. So, I'm filling my mind with better thoughts!

Here's a quick scripture reading to ponder.

I Corinthians 9:24-25  "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? RUN IN SUCH A WAY AS TO GET THE PRIZE. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but WE DO IT TO GET A CROWN THAT WILL LAST FOREVER."

II Timothy 4: 7-8   "I have fought the good fight, I HAVE FINISHED THE RACE, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, WILL AWARD TO ME ON THAT DAY - and not only to me, but ALSO TO ALL WHO HAVE LONGED FOR HIS APPEARING."

The apostle Paul knew he had done his absolute best for God and Christ - he knew at his death he would be resurrected from the grave to be judged righteous and live forever in God's Kingdom on this earth. I pray every day I will run my race to the best of my ability and when I fail God will forgive me and lift me up to continue the race with fresh legs!

Have a fabulous Fall weekend!

What were they thinking?

Eden's new toy

Look at this toy.

Look at the string on this toy.

Is this supposed to be a pull toy?

How is a child supposed to pull it?

Well, I modified it buy tying on a scarf and Eden pulled it happily around the house.

TIS' THE SEASON

Last Friday (December 16th) Dyron and I were discussing our upcoming plans for the next week. He asked if we could go to the Morans from 2-4pm for their family get together/fish fry. Yes. Then I reminded him we had Randy's (our brother-in-law) surprise birthday party at 5 pm. Okay. Then he reminds me he got Jeremy (a co-worker) a gift card for his wedding. That's at six on December 23rd. Right... Honey, do you realize these three events all take place on the same Friday? Then Dyron gave me that "deer stuck in the headlights" look...

Yes, we attempted and SUCCEEDED...we (at least) made an appearance at all the above mentioned events with three children in tow. (Well, they didn't accompany us to the wedding...)

Anyway, today is much more relaxed. I suppose we'll just hang at the hacienda. The kids get to open one gift. Asher has a new game to play. We're going to have some bratwursts for supper. Just be together as a family.

Did anyone realize Hanukkah and Christmas will be celebrated on the same day this year? The first time in 27 years?

Neat!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Relax and enjoy the blessings God has given all of us. Especially our families...

God speaks...

I've been trying to get in a daily Bible reading - right now I'm in the Psalms and Matthew. Just at my own pace so I can soak it all in. I found a few inspirational and thought provoking verses tonight and I thought I would share...

The following was inspirational because Asher was home from school today recovering from an ear infection and I was showing him this slide show I had received via email - it had some awesome pictures of nature (lightning, planets, animals, etc) and I said "Isn't God awesome? All of the interesting things he made for us to enjoy?"

So, this verse is for Asher!

Psalm 8:3 "When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"

The Creator of heaven and earth has this entire universe at his fingertips - yet he cares for each of us! WOW!

So, now Psalm 9:1-2 "I will PRAISE YOU, O Lord, with ALL MY HEART, I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and REJOICE in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High."

This verse really excited me - think of the possibilities...

Psalm 11:7 "For the Lord is righteous, he loves justice; upright men WILL SEE HIS FACE."

I'm not saying I'm "upright" (far from it) - but with God's mercy I plan on "seeing his face."

Psalm 13:5-6 "But I TRUST IN YOUR UNFAILING LOVE; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for HE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME."

After a busy and stressful day with three kids at your feet - God speaks to me and comforts me.

Psalm 19

v.7 "The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. v.8 The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes. v.9 The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous. v.10 They are more precious than gold, than much gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb. v.11 By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward."

Isn't that great?  God truly takes care of us if we only trust in him.

And his son... Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Our burden is light because a life in Christ is so joyful -knowing God is in control and he wants the best for us!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME - I'm already thirty-three!

I used to think old ladies were old even in their minds - but a few years ago I realized (after a jolly afternoon with my Grandmother) old ladies were just teenage girls in wrinkly bodies! They still think youngs guys are hot, worry about their hair, makeup, and clothes, and giggle about "girl stuff."

I guess a part of me will always be unsure about myself but I have definitely grown up in the past six years (since I became a mama). I guess I'm finally learning to appreciate the little moments. I'm realizing NOTHING will get done and to enjoy my children while they are small. They love me unconditionally and that won't last forever...

My birthday was one of the best yet! I enjoyed a "spa day" at Quy's (facial, massage, and hair cut), an afternoon nap with Lilli, splashing in the tub with my two girls, some beautiful turquoise earrings from Asher (he picked them out himself), and a delicious dinner at 1620 with my wonderful husband. I really got a day to be pampered and appreciated. In turn, I reflected on the blessings God has given me. Three healthy children to enjoy... A true friend in my husband... A family to love...

Where does the time go?

The past two weeks have been SOOOO busy! First, Asher was sick with some sort of fever virus - he was out of commission for a few days. Dyron had a flex Friday (he only had to work for a few hours on his day off! HA!) and we got to enjoy some time as a complete family.

I'm having a great time with my new Scrapbooking group. We've met two times and have another date set for next Thursday night (March 16th) at Alissa's house. I'm having a lot of fun getting "caught up" with the kids' pictures! I've kept a calendar and have all of the girls' pictures dated - it's just taking the time to get them into an album.

Eden is really starting to talk and give us her opinion on everything! I was saying her prayer the other night and she said "Amen" when I finished - it made my heart flutter...so sweet!

Lillian is looking so grown-up to me lately. I think it's because her hair is getting so long. She is quite the little helper around the house - wanting to put the silverware in the drawer, help wash the dishes and sweep the floor, and wanting to "dress myself."

Dyron has been my savior when it comes to home projects. He absolutely HATES painting but has helped me complete the long-awaited stairs. I finally hung the pictures of the girls I've had since Lilli was a newborn. (I'm a little behind...but I'm slowly catching up...) Thanks, babe!

Asher lost his other front tooth - he looks so cute with that big gap! He's growing up too fast... 

Leaving...

This will probably be my last entry until we return from our Spring Break trip to Virginia. I must start packing (we leave tomorrow - I'm such a procrastinator!) -

I have a new favorite scripture and would like to share...

Romans 1:16-17 (Jewish New Testament) (which is my current favorite version of the Bible)

"For I am NOT ASHAMED OF THE GOOD NEWS, since it is God's powerful means of bringing salvation to everyone who keeps on TRUSTING, to the Jew especially, but equally to the Gentile. For in it is revealed HOW GOD MAKES PEOPLE RIGHTEOUS in his sight; and from beginning to end it is through TRUST - as the Tanakh puts it, "BUT THE PERSON WHO IS RIGHTEOUS WILL LIVE HIS LIFE BY TRUST."

That scripture is so inspirational to me! If I can only let myself totally TRUST IN GOD, my life will be the best it can be!

Have a blessed week - Love to all.

Big Plans

I have big plans for my blog and Mother's Day. I want to call it "My Mother's Day Extravaganza" - coming to a blog near you...

Here's a teaser. I picked Asher up from school today and he gave me a potted marigold and a card. He said, "It's your Mother's Day card - is it alright if I give it to you early?" "Of course," I replied.

I'm so glad I read the card - it made my heart flutter. What a sweet boy!

This is what it said:

"I love you. Your my best frind. You are my sunshine. You tace cer of me. You give me (then it ended abruptly)... love Asher"

How sweet! Especially because on Monday when he came in the door after school the first thing he did was start writing a note to Elizabeth.

I love being a mom.

Ode to Motherhood

It is true

I was created in you.

It is also true

That you were created for me.

I owned your voice.

It was shaped and tuned to soothe me.

Your arms were molded

Into a cradle to hold me, to rock me.

The scent of your body was the air

Perfumed for me to breathe.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

A day to celebrate motherhood -

God has blessed my life with three wonderful children. As I watch them grow, they help me grow into a better person. A more patient, appreciative, selfless, hopeful, empathetic, caring - the list goes on...

I have such a great support group in all of my family and friends - especially my husband. My mother and mother-in-law are instrumental in giving me advice! (Just the right amount!) My aunt Florence has also been a "mother-figure" in my life - giving me priceless advice. Now, we seem more friends than aunt and niece.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms I know - it's a hard job but somebody has to do it!

Love, Marria

I always reminisce...

Giving birth was a magical experience for me.

Not that it wasn't hard - IT WAS!

But the journey was one I often reminisce about - especially on Mother's Day.

Words to live by...

I was cleaning my Grandmother's house today and I found these sayings on her table by her recliner. I know she lives this way and she is one of the happiest people I know. Always grateful for everyone and everything in her life. This list is going on my fridge today to help me stay inspired and be a better person.

FREE YOUR HEART FROM HATRED.

FREE YOUR MIND FROM WORRIES.

LIVE SIMPLY.

GIVE MORE.

EXPECT LESS.

Quiet time

Dyron took Asher to his first swim team practice so I've got a little quiet time. Lilli wanted to accompany D to Asher's "swim thing" and Eden is asleep. I'm supposed to be painting some furniture but I decided to relax instead - imagine that!

I hadn't posted my dinner out with three of my best friends - my sis, Mandie, my cousin (and honorary third sis), Cory, and my favorite aunt, Florence. We had a "girl's night out" which consisted of dinner at Cozymel's (margaritas included) and some shopping at (our favorite store for cheap, cute stuff!) Kohl's. We had such a fun time! At one point, we were all in the same dressing room whispering (because we were talking about certain body parts) and giggling! Isn't that what girlfriends are for?

Love you gals!

Regarding Israel -

I'm feeling the influence of the media (especially because I listen to NPR all day!) and feeling compassion for the average Lebanese citizen - especially those who have lost someone they know or love from an Israeli airstrike. I do believe Israel has the right to defend itself.

Anyway, this is an interesting article to ponder. I just want (especially after listening to NPR all day!) for people to be informed of what's really going on and has been going on in the Middle East ever since the establishment of the modern state of Israel.

Read for yourself about the history of the Jews and truly educate yourself about the facts!

This is an interesting article about what Israel might have to do to solve the current situation they find themselves in with the terrorists.

Check it out - www.danielpipes.org/article/3811

Psalm 83

"O God, do not keep silent; be not quiet, O God, be not still. See how your enemies are astir, how your foes rear their heads. With cunning they CONSPIRE AGAINST YOUR PEOPLE; they PLOT AGAINST THOSE YOU CHERISH. "Come, they say, "LET US DESTROY THEM AS A NATION, THAT THE NAME OF ISRAEL BE REMEMBERED NO MORE." With one mind THEY PLOT TOGETHER; they FORM AN ALLIANCE AGAINST YOU..."

Does any of this sound familiar?

What is the leader of Iran saying over and over? (He calls for the destruction of Israel - more specifically the Jewish people.)

My continual prayer is for the peace of Jerusalem. I don't believe that an United Nations peacekeeping force can do the job. Only the God of Israel (Yahweh) and his son, Jesus Christ can do the job. May Christ return to this earth soon to establish a true peace - one that will last forever! Where all people of the earth will experience mercy, justice, and the peace of God.

Revelation 21

"...Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. THERE WILL BE NO MORE DEATH or MOURNING or CRYING or PAIN, for the old order of things has passed away."

AMEN!

I believe it will happen - and my prayer is it will happen soon.

Children are a heritage...

"Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them..." Psalm 127:3-5

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." Luke 18:16

Little Pleasures

You know - the kind that only matter to you.

Like having a husband I love, adore, and admire...

A son who says, "You're really smart, mama."

opening the windows to let in the cool Fall air and hearing the crickets and frogs...

A daughter who never wants you to stop singing - "David boy", "Kingdom", "Spider," "Papa, papa..."

having back to back "Seinfeld" at 10 pm on Fox!

Samuel Adams

Sudoku

Sitting in the sun on the back deck for 15 minutes while the girls nap...aahhhh...

finding a new joy in running - even though I'm slow and don't really push myself!

watching my daughter get ready for dance class and being so excited about it!

All of the blessings of this life - if I can just appreciate the simple moments that make my "life" what it is -

I can go through each day with a smile in my heart!

To my viewers!

I'm always so excited to hear from all of you who enjoy my blog! I have so much fun! It's like being hospitable and not having to clean my house -

I enjoy entertaining guests - keep visiting.

I do this so I won't forget special moments with my kids. But also to let my friends and family keep up with the Hamlins!

Leave me a "comment" anytime. I always enjoy hearing from each and every one of you!

It's the Little Things...

that amaze me.

Eden holds my face when I am kissing her good night and says, "Sweet Mama." Oh, child - you melt my heart. All day long she sings songs with her slightly off-key voice. And she continues to want to do everything "by myself." "I close the door" when she gets out of the car. She knows things she shouldn't know as a "not quite two-year-old" - like "we're going in the Suburban/Honda" (whichever it may be)! She is only afraid of bugs and screams when she sees one. She has to put on her own pants and always reminds me she needs "cream" when I change her diaper. She is constantly moving...

Lillian becomes a little lady more and more as each day passes...she wants to cook, clean, water the plants, etc. She loves to dance and likes for me to turn on the classical music station to she can "do ballet." Lately, she has been tormenting our cat, Sissy, by putting necklaces, crowns, etc. on her while she is trying to sleep.

Asher has been very inquisitive this week. He asked me on Tuesday night, "How do I find a wife?" I said, "Well, you look for someone who is kind, smart, and loves God." "Where did Daddy find you?" "We met at a bible school," I replied. "Did  you go to school together?" "No, I answered, we lived in different states. But you could find your wife at school." "Oh...." and that was that. (Dyron later told me he had read the story of Isaac and Rebekah on Monday night to Asher.)

Last night, he asked me what a "moron" was and he wanted me "to explain this hell word" to him. I'm so glad he comes to me for answers - how long will it last?

It is the little things that make life memorable.

Thanksgiving in America: Part II

Dyron's plate of food says it all - we have TOO MUCH! and we really don't appreciate it...

I had a wonderful week. Sleeping in "late" (until after 7 am) and not having to cook lunch or dinner on Thanksgiving - that's a break for a mama! I also got to see Cory's family and then go shopping with her - always a treat to spend time with my cousin.

Mandie and I TRIED to cheer on the Hogs today...

Now, our five children are watching Robin Hood and munching on popcorn and apple slices (I informed them all this was their supper). Dyron should be home from the game soon and Randy is hiding out at his house.

NO SHOPPING FOR THIS GIRL! I prefer to skip the day after Thanksgiving frenzy - I'm just not that competitive.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Family

My family means EVERYTHING to me. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to learn from my life. What it means to be a wife. What it means to be a mother. What it means to watch my children develop into interesting individuals. How my husband has changed from the age of 16 to the age of 30! WOW!

Wag the Tongue

I must muse because I'm not running... I wanted to go today...the sunshine was calling...but the girls were asleep. So, I guess I'll go tonight when it is absolutely freezing!

Instead of running, I read from a monthly biblical publication we receive - the title of the article was "Beware the Tongue."

"Life and death are in the power of the tongue. Those who wag their tongues in thoughtless haste will never know peace. The stroke of a whip will give you a wound, but the strokes of the unbridled tongue will break your heart. The pain it can inflict are immeasurable. Ask God to tame your tongue. Speak the truth to every man. Put away all lying. Pray without ceasing. Use your tongue for prayer, not scandal. Bless them that curse you."

Just a short synopsis of the article.

(Eden's crying now because she just bit her tongue while eating a candy cane.)

I was trying to think on the positive side of this matter of the tongue. So, I'll dwell on a few ways we can please God with our tongue. How about teaching our children with patience and loving words (even when we feel like yelling), praising and supporting our husband, offering words of comfort to a friend, thanking God for our many blessings, the list can go on and on...

Prov. 15:4 "...the tongue of the wise brings healing..."

This quote was offered at the end of the article. I liked it!

"Those who are full of their tongues seldom look well to their feet, and therefore stumble and fall."

And the top three reasons for keeping my tongue in check:

1 - Asher   2 - Lillian   and 3 - Eden!

Sisters

I'm so glad Lillian and Eden have each other. The relationship with my two sisters is priceless. I talk to Mandie every day and Martie every week. We value each others opinions, we can openly discuss problems, and we share secrets! I hope my girls grow to be the best of friends. I know there will be scrapes, fights, etc along the way...but hopefully they will grow to understand the wonder of a sister's love.

Generations

My grandmother is a blessing to my life. She has always been there for me. Some of her adages, such as, "Pretty is as pretty does" could get annoying when I was a teenager but she does have some good advice! Our argument every winter is "You don't catch cold from getting cold." She still believes that old wives tale!

My children have definitely benefitted from knowing their great-grandmother. Asher especially has a close relationship with her. He even wrote an essay about her when they had to write about a special person in their life. She taught him how to play checkers and they still enjoy the game together. He treats her like a queen. What value the elderly have for all of us if we will just take the time to listen to them!

At Eden's birthday party, she jumped up in the chair with Grandmother and asked her to read her new "Itsy Bitsy Spider" book. They had so much fun finding the spider on every page. "There it is!" Eden would shout and Grandmother would laugh and laugh. (She calls it getting "tickled!")

Anyway, there is a Sara Groves song called "Generations" that discusses the value of a good woman. My grandmother is one of those "good women" who has benefitted many generations!

Love you.

Ode to Dwight

Dwight came into my life about three years ago. I was introduced to him one Sunday at our church. Mid-50's, a very young voice, good humored, shorter than me, and oh yeah - blind. I had never befriended a blind person before in my life. I had never had the opportunity. It was weird at first...I didn't know what to do, how much to help, what to expect... I wasn't uncomfortable - just unfamiliar.

At first, I only saw Dwight on Sundays. And then on Tuesday nights at bible class. And then I was inviting him over for dinner. And then having him spend the weekend with us. He was such an interesting guy. Asher really liked trying to figure out if he could really see. Dwight was so patient with Asher! I would get embarrassed at some of Asher's antics but Dwight would just play along and actually taught him more than if I had stopped his games.

Dyron and I loved including Dwight into our family. He lived in subsidized housing and I felt he was unsafe. So, one night - laying in bed - I turned to Dyron and said, "We have an empty room with an adjacent bathroom in our house that isn't being used...we should invite Dwight to come live with us." With no hesitation, Dyron replied, "Okay."

I felt a little unsure of my decision at first...I had several people tell me it would be "too much" for me (with three small children). I was wrong. They were wrong. Dwight was a blessing to our family.

He moved in the August Hurrican Katrina hit New Orleans. God knew I needed Dwight. Dyron was in New Orleans A LOT over the next six months. Dwight was my company. He was my back-up with the kids. He gave Asher firm instruction when Dyron wasn't here. He gave us so much!

A few weeks after Dwight moved in (his bedroom was directly above ours) his computer chair started to squeak. Dyron and I were laying in bed one night and Dwight's chair squeaked. We looked at each other and smiled.

A small leap of faith on my part. A wonderful husband who lets me manage our home. A blind man who taught us all so much. A God who understands our needs! 

We shared many good conversations over our morning tea/coffee. He took joy in the children's accomplishments. He wondered at Eden's progress from an infant to a 2-year-old. He loved to sweat in the sunshine. I loved to chide him about Rush Limbaugh and he would harass me about NPR. He praised me on my choice to stay at home and care for my children. I enjoyed our many laughs over Frasier and Seinfeld. He showed me new insights into Scripture by looking to the Jewish perspective. I loved seeing him revel in the experience of visiting Israel this past summer.

He is now a new student at the U of A in Fayetteville. His dream is to complete his PhD. He wants to teach. He has already taught a lifetime of lessons to me! 

I will miss you "Huncle Dee-wight."

Love you.

I don't have a title...

I just got back from a 2 mile run. The sun is shining. It's the perfect temperature. I listened to a few tunes. My house is a mess. Who cares? I never know what my day will hold...and I love it!

Left the house around 9 am and headed to Bible Study. I was already wound up from listening to NPR. Hearing about how Medicare bills are on the rise and government wants to tax us more to pay for rising medical costs. The health system is so screwed up. I learned from my parents - you have to be proactive about your own health. Dyron and I are amazed when we run how few people are out walking, jogging, etc. Where is everyone? And then we see the blue tube glowing... 

Hearing about Jimmy Carter and his "Apartheid" book just makes me want to scream! Let's review the definition of apartheid..."an official policy of racial segregation." That is NOT the policy of Israel. Arabs live in Israel. There are Israeli Arabs. Citizens. Members of Parliament. Some "Palestinians" are not allowed into Jerusalem without proper papers because of continued suicide bombings. And Israel does NOT occupy Palestinian lands. Read for yourself the TRUE history of the modern state of Israel.

Okay - went to see my Uncle Sammy. I haven't been to see him in about five years. He's my dad's youngest brother and runs a sawmill on his land in Mayflower. He's an interesting guy.

Now, I'm sitting here ranting and raving. I guess I just needed to get some things out.

I've begun my study on the Torah. Through Jewish eyes. I've read the first five books of the Bible many times but never with a Jewish perspective. I'm excited to learn something new.

Here's a thought: Can I look for the blessing in each moment of my day?

Can I transform the rage I feel against the injustices of the world (see above rants) into wise and righteous response, taking action that will be both effective and appropriate?

Can I admit to the places of apathy, despair, numbness, or fearful divisiveness inside my own heart?

Or will my anger become self-righteous, turning into an "us-versus-them" perspective that will leave me powerless and ineffective?

wow!

A lot to think about...(from "Torah Journeys" by Rabbi Shefa Gold)

I'm also reading "The Bedside Torah."

THINK and have a nice day!

Hold You

Eden has been wanting to "hold you" a lot lately. I'm sure it has to do mainly with her not feeling well for the past few days. I know children go through several phases of stranger anxiety throughout their first few years. Having a parent near and at their "beck and call" makes them more confident to venture out on their own. Also, when their parent leaves them (and tells them they are leaving - no sneaking away) and returns this helps establish an important feeling of trust in a child/parent relationship.

Anyway, I was just pondering how physical touch is an important part of their emotional/physical development. Eden wants me to "hold you" many times throughout the day. She loves to "snuggle." I know she enjoys reading for reading's sake but I also think she likes to sit next to me and touch me while listening to the stories. Lilli also needs a number of hugs, snuggles, etc. during the day.

Does it matter if the touch comes from the mother? father? caretaker?

Just wondering...I'm going to look into it!

Premonition

Isn't it weird I bought a mop at Target last Saturday? I had thrown out our old mop at the beginning of the year and had just been getting by with good ole' elbow grease and a rag...and suddenly decided to actually replace it.

Did I know how much vomit and diarhea (oh yes, it's been on the floor) I would be mopping up? Maybe I should become a "medium!"

My Mountain Man Returns!

I'm always so thankful to have my husband safely home after an ER. This one was in British Columbia, Canada with a little side trip to Alaska. Sounds like it was the "man-trip" he needed!

Who wants to start planning a "woman-trip?" (And I don't want to shop!)

Huh???

I'm a newspaper addict.

I love to read the paper - especially sitting in my screened-in porch with a cup of coffee on a Spring morning! (That scenario doesn't happen to often...) I usually read the paper while fixing breakfast, telling Asher to brush his teeth, wiping Eden's face (after breakfast), talking to my sister on the phone, using the potty (!), etc. Today's Mike Masterson editorial deserves comment from me. "Maggie's war on smut" was the title - it was basically about pornography viewing in public libraries. Not just "girlie" porn, but boy-porn. Horrified yet? No, wait...this gets better. The viewing was being done by a man on probation for fondling a child and the computer was on the same floor as the library's children's center! HUH???

Has the world gone crazy? Absolutely mad?

To make things even more ludacrious (I can barely type this because my hands are shaking)...Judith Krug, head of the American Library Association's office for intellectual freedom, has plenty to say about the matter.

(These are quotes from the editorial.) "Blocking material leads to censorship (okay- fair argument)...That goes for pornography and bestiality, too. If you don't like it, don't look at it (agreed)...Everytime I hear someone say, 'I want to protect the children,' I want to pull my hair out...What parents are trying to do to their children today in some cases is very frightening (by preventing them from viewing pornography?)...Parents who would tell their children not to read Playboy don't really care about their kids growing up and learning to think and explore."

Again I say - HUH?????

I love the local library. My children and I have access to all kinds of wonderful stories we thoroughly enjoy reading together. We have frequented "storytime" for five years.

THE REST OF THE STORY...

Accompanying article on the front page of Section B - "Foster dad to 28 boys is charged in porn case." Hmmm...wonder if he got his start when his parents encouraged him to read Playboy at a young age. (I don't know about the thinking but there was some exploring. (See above quote.)) Could there be a connection?

Life is poetry...

Just went for my Monday evening run

As usual, it was a lot of fun

Dyron is getting in a few miles

Hopefully, he'll come home all smiles

We plan on feasting late

Some nachos will be on our plate

I should be folding a huge pile of laundry...

What rhymes with laundry?

Quandary?

Tawdry?

Okay, this is a lame poem. But I'm tired. I'm hungry. It will have to do...

At least I have a cute picture to accompany my prose!

2 emotional...

I was purchasing a few cards in Hallmark yesterday and noticed a pregnant woman with a big belly. She was about my size and reminded me of me when I was pregnant...I'm always nostalgic about the last weeks of pregnancy. That's when I enjoyed being pregnant - the anticipation of a new baby and the excitement of birth were always fun for me.

When I went to the register, I heard the pregnant lady talking to two other women (about my mom's age) about her scheduled c-section the next day. One woman said, "You'll absolutely love it!" While the other woman quipped, "I just couldn't imagine having a baby without pain medication..."

Oh...my heart starts racing.

I feel my blood pressure start to rise.

And, I ALWAYS have to say something. (And, it's ALWAYS a lot nicer than what I'm thinking...)

"I had my last baby at home and it was a wonderful experience," was my addition to the conversation.

The two responses I ALWAYS get...

The woman at the register said (with a smile), "Really!? That's awesome!"

The woman who "couldn't imagine having a baby with no pain medication" said to her "I had both my children via c-section" friend, "Didn't you have a sister-in-law who was going to have a baby at home and had to be rushed to the hospital?" (These women also look at you like you have horns growing out of your head...)

I held my tongue, paid for my cards, and wished the pregnant woman a safe delivery and a healthy baby.

I'm just TOO EMOTIONAL about birth...American women are being duped by their overpaid and under-educated doctors. I wanted to know what was "wrong" with this woman. She looked perfectly healthy to me. What was the excuse given to her to cause her to have MAJOR SURGERY to bring her child into this world?

2 emotional cont.

We just put the kids to bed.

I checked out "E.T." from the library and D commented it was "too wonderful" to watch it with his seven-year-old son. Asher is an emotional boy...and he cries at sweet, sad movies...I hope he always does...

anyway...

I remember talking to an older woman while in my early 20's. She had two natural births and I thought she was CRAZY! I was an "epidural all the way girl" before I became pregnant.

Some history...when I became pregnant with Asher I started reading "birth stories" on the Internet. I was fascinated with the combination of agony and joy expressed by the women in these stories. I couldn't comprehend why a woman would endure pain for no reason. Then I discovered the reason. Pain leads a woman to listen to her body and her baby. I found a midwife in Fayetteville...I was scared...I was unsure...I had doubts.

When I wrote my birth plan, Dyron was on a "one word command." If I said "epidural" at any point during my labor there would be no questions asked. I still doubted myself. But I was surrounded by a knowledgable midwife, a supportive husband, and my mom and sisters. By the grace of God, Asher was born after a 13 hour labor which included a rough 1.5 hours of pushing...

I still can remember the feeling of empowerment I gained from my birth experience. It was HARD! It was PAINFUL! I had to reach inside myself for strength I did not know I possessed.

I am not and have never said I am better than a woman who uses an epidural during child birth.

I am not and have never said I am better than a woman who has a c-section.

The choices I made were perfect for me. I was blessed with three empowering and memorable experiences and three healthy children.

All I want is for women to educate themselves. To not be mislead by someone who will benefit monetarily from a medicated birth. To know the risks associated with the modern concept of what birth should be...

For as many people as have scoffed at my natural birth crusade...I have also had a sister and many friends who have made the choice and been extremely happy with it.

I will not apologize for MY choice. It was the BEST WAY for me.

Now...who wants to know my opinion on breast-feeding, potty-training, and "educational television?"  :)

Me

I am not the person who is singing

I am the silent one inside

I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes

I just pacify their egos

I am not my house or my car or my songs

They are only just stops along my way

I am like winter

I'm a cold dark female

With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave

And it is me who is my enemy

Me who beats me up

Me who makes the monsters

Me who strips my confidence...

-Paula Cole

(the rest of the song is good too!)

Just overwhelmed with the pressures of the modern American woman -

running, prayer, quiet time, the pure joy my children express in the simple moments of life - all help me understand to just be me - no matter how weird I am!

Honesty

Why...after I run around all day - preparing three meals, doing a zillion loads of laundry, vaccuming a few rooms, kissing a few boo-boos, wiping a butt or two, dressing three people, brushing teeth six times, feeding cats, feeding fish, fixing two or more snacks, wiping up a few spills, cleaning a toilet, swinging the girls multiple times, running (for exercise) (if I'm lucky!), getting the mail, making some beds, reading books, working puzzles, giving baths, ... do I feel like I haven't accomplished anything?

Like my pitiful scrapbook list on my fridge - it stares at me - Eden's First Birthday...Eden's Second Birthday...Summer 2006...Maumelle Marlins Swim Team 2006...Lillian's Third Birthday...Spring Break 2006...

I even have a digital scrapbooking program my wonderful sister, Martie, purchased for me over a year ago for my birthday...

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?

I have the highest aspirations in the morning when I wake up. I'm going to accomplish so much. I'm still semi-positive by 10 am. By noon, I'm starting to feel frantic. By naptime, I'm needing some rest. By dinner, I'm pulling my hair out. By 10 pm, I'm just wanting to sit on the couch - adjust the rabbit ears on my old television and watch Seinfeld until Dyron passes out from exhaustion and I decide we better head to bed...

Yet...look at what I am accomplishing. My life's work - in my three children. They are my heart. No matter how frustrated I feel. No matter how tired I am. I chose Asher and Lillian. And Eden chose me. I hope I will always work for them. I don't ever want to give up. I pray to God for strength, patience, and love every day. I want to give my best to my children. To my husband. To my family. I just require a little bit for myself. That's all. Just a few miles a week. Just a warm shower all to myself. Just 30 minutes of sun. Just one Seinfeld episode...

12 years...and counting!

My baby gets better as the years roll on...

On Tuesday night, after we had Asher's baseball team over for an "End of the Season Baseball Swim Party", Dyron requested we celebrate our anniversary. He insisted I only get him a card...so I complied with his wishes...

He popped open the bottle of champagne (saved from Martie's wedding over a year ago) and we exchanged cards. Then he presented his gift to me. (He was like a kid in a candy store - a sweet innocent excitement in his eyes!)

He gave me an extremely beautiful (but most of all...thoughtful) gift! A necklace of diamonds and black coral. The black coral was harvested (after it was already floating in the ocean) from the Cayman Islands (where we vacationed for our 10th anniversary).

What a wonderful man! He's as sweet as he was at 16!

Wow! 12 years and a lifetime to experience together. I love you, babe.

105 degrees!

It was a good day! Asher had Hunter over to spend the night. Lil had Faith over to spend the night. A morning with five kids was fairly unexciting. I got up first and started preparing blueberry pancakes for breakfast. My kids love pancakes! Especially when blueberries are in season. I don't feel guilty about the white flour and the sugary syrup because I do a half-n-half white/whole wheat pancake mix and then half-n-half regular/maple syrup mixture. The blueberries add tons of antioxidants...and smiles on the kids' faces!

I finally let the kids jump in the pool @ 10:30 am. They swam, played, screamed, dived, and caused your basic everyday havoc in the backyard for a few hours. I fed them a yummy snack of strawberries and Cheez-its. Then into the shower for me (I am currently obsessing about my tan and was oiled accordingly!) and the bath for the gals.

After a quick lunch of grilled cheese and watermelon slices, I loaded the kids in the Suburban. We got the oil changed, went through the car wash, and then headed to Conway to return Hunter and Faith (they are siblings). Lil and Eden took a car nap, I filled up with $2.59 gas (!), and we returned home.

So, this got me to thinking about Dyron's question to me. "Do you have any hopes and dreams?" 

And after perusing several other women's blogs today...and reading about their interests (outside of their children!)...

I started thinking - "What would I do if I had all the time in the world?"

1- Run more.

2- Read more - including my Bible. 

3- Write. 

4- Garden.

5- Update all of my photo albums.

6- Get all of my home "projects" COMPLETELY DONE!

7- Cook more interesting meals from scratch.

8- Help other young mothers by cleaning, babysitting, running errands, etc. for them.

As far as hopes and dreams...they are all wrapped up in my family right now.

Isn't it ironic?

I knew Dyron was planning on mowing the yard when he got home and let Asher know it. Of course, Asher asked, "Can I learn how to use the lawn mower?" "You'll have to ask Daddy, but I'm sure he'll let you," I replied.

So, Asher seems to be enjoying his first lawn mowing lesson. He doesn't quite have the strength to push it by himself. (We have a crappy, old push mower and a beautiful, lush lawn.) He seems to be quite enthralled with this new accomplishment. He will probably like mowing the lawn the first time he does it alone. And, then he will most likely complain every time after that...ironic, isn't it?

Just watched...

"Super Size Me."

I know it has been out AWHILE but I'm a busy mama of three. My sister, Mandie (a registered dietician)recommended I watch it.

Wow!

I am SO RIGHT ABOUT NO TELEVISION FOR MY CHILDREN! Let me say again, "The only reason for television is to sell the viewer something." Got it? And the majority of that is nasty, disgusting, full of calories and fat and sugar, sure to make your child a diabetic, food! It really was hard for me to watch...

and now I'll probably only eat whole foods for the rest of the week. I'll definitely stick to my one soda a month (probably no sodas ever again) regimen. And I'll run... and play with my kids... and I'll be happy... and healthy. 

Watch it! It will open your eyes...

My Light

I want to inspire.

My friend, Trey Chandler, gave me a new Sara Groves CD and I have been listening to it non-stop this morning. I consider her a "peer" of mine. She just had her third baby. She believes in God. She writes and sings. She inspires me...and she encourages me to be a "light" through her music.

So, I will try...

I think A LOT! I "write" in my head all day long. Words I want to write down. Words that will (most likely) stay in my head forever! Obviously, I blog some of these words.

My thoughts this morning centered on Revelation 21:3 "See! God's Sh'khinah (the glorious presence of God) is with mankind, and he will live with them. They will be his peoples, and he himself, God-with-them, will be their God." (Jewish New Testament)

I know Yeshua/Jesus/Son of God was on the earth around 2000 years ago. I know he came, lived a perfect life of obedience to his Heavenly Father/God, died as a sacrificial lamb, was resurrected, and now sits beside God on a heavenly throne waiting for the moment he will return to the earth and rule as King of the nations. This is what I know. What I have faith in. I trust God to keep his promises.

What I wonder is how I become a part of this future Kingdom. I know I must believe, be baptised, and live a life of faith. It's the concept of a "life of faith" that differs so much between believers in Christ. 

What is my "life of faith?" What direction does my life need to take to get on and stay on the path to the Kingdom of God?

One thought that kept occurring to me...How can I be Jesus to someone today? How can I shine my light? How can I show God's love?

I personally feel I must become "like" God to eventually live with him. I try to learn about God through reading his Word, through listening to others who study the Bible, and through prayer. His Son's life on the earth is also an awesome example to look at in the Scripture. I can watch Jesus and how he reacted in many different situations through reading the Gospel. This could be a very intimidating task, but I know "with God all things are possible!" (Matthew 19:26) I know he is working with me - making me who I need to be to live with him!

I hope I inspired you...let's all be Jesus to someone today!

Where...

exactly are Austin and Angelina going?

Plans

The holiday season is upon us...so, let the plans begin. I was considering how much planning goes into my life as a mama. I am always planning meals, planning my week, planning my day, planning car pool schedules, planning appointments, etc.

All of the above-mentioned plans are really insignificant when I start thinking about the "big picture" of my life. What are my plans for my children? What are my plans for my marriage? What are my plans for my career? What are my plans for the Lord?

You can't plan faith. But, I suppose, my parents "planned" my spiritual education. The spiritual education of my children is a daily occurence in our home. Mostly, it seems to be a casual undertaking...when the kids ask a specific question we provide answers, scripture is read, bible stories are told, prayers are said. We also have to remember "actions speak louder than words." 

It's far better for my children to "see an exhortation, rather than hear one." I also must remember this when dealing with other people outside of my home. My children are observing me and learning from me especially in my moment-to-moment actions. 

Realistically, we can't "plan" our entire life. There are many unexpected bumps, merges, and detours on the road of life. I suppose we can have mini-plans. Small plans we accomplish on a daily basis. As a mama, even one plan may have to wait while I tend to a child's latest "crisis."

Even if I don't have a clue what tomorrow holds for me, someone does. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." My journey is already mapped out for me and my children - all I have to do is trust in God and enjoy the ride!

Overwhelmed

Tonight I felt overwhelmed. The feeling always comes over me rather quickly. This evening it was over the condition of the girls' room. I worked so hard on Saturday to help them straighten and clean their room...and there it was...right before bedtime...a disaster zone!

I think the feeling of being overwhelmed comes from my sense of responsibility. The responsibility I feel because of the major role I play in my three childrens' lives. So, the entire time I'm feeling angry at the situation (and yelling when I shouldn't be) - inside my head I'm asking myself why am I getting so upset about this? Is it because I work so hard at teaching them how to pick up? Is it because I want their room to look like a magazine? Why? They certainly aren't unhappy with the condition of their room.

A lot of people in my life comment on how "laid back" or "calm" I am with my children. Am I? Yes, I let things "slide." I think I have witnessed too many "burned out" and "exhausted" mamas in my life. But, sometimes on the inside that need for perfection comes bursting out of me. Usually with me behaving like a spoiled brat throwing a temper tantrum. I don't like that part of me.

What I truly want is peace. The peace that comes with knowing my true purpose in life. My purpose is not to have a perfect house. Or perfect children. The purpose for my life is to glorify God. In simply doing my best in everything I do, I will find true peace.

Philippians 4:4-9  "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again - Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND MINDS in Christ Jesus. Finally, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. AND THE GOD OF PEACE WILL BE WITH YOU."

My prayer is to be the best mama I can be so I may glorify you (God) with my efforts. Amen.

Wrap it up!

2007 was an interesting year...

but now it's time to move on...

what is in store for me in 2008.

Who knows?

My goals...

just to survive!

No, really.

My only goal for 2008 is to live a life of peace.

I want to listen more - talk less.

I want to be calm even when my soul is stirred.

I almost want to agree (maybe affirm) when I might have a legitimate argument against a person's perspective.

Maybe it's that I want to be supportive. Especially of my family.

I want to love. Use my talents to help others.

Oh.................Happy New Year!

Am I grown yet?

Today I turned 35! I am now inching towards 40...

Does this mean I'm grown?

Commitment

As I ran today, I thought about commitment.

As race day nears, I start getting nervous. I start wanting to back out of running the race. I start questioning if I've trained enough...

I know I will run the race. I have to... I'm commited to it.

So, as I ran I compared my commitment to completing my first half-marathon to marriage. I've been married to Dyron for almost 13 years. I'm in a "committed" relationship. I said "I do" at the tender age of 22. (To an 18-year-old!)

For the most part, our marriage has been spectacular! I really have few complaints. We've had our issues...We've been poor. We've been exhausted (newborns can do that to you). We've been apart more than we would have liked (Dyron's job required a lot of traveling during the first five years). But, our love (which a huge part of love is commitment) has endured (I give thanks to God for giving me Dyron). Our marriage has also been influenced by our parents' marriages. They have both been married for almost forty years! They are terrific examples of commitment for us. God is also an example of commitment. He is always there for me and will never give up on me!

So, back to running...

Running can be hard. It's something you must do at least 3-4 days a week. To train properly, you must run in all sorts of weather. Sometimes my training regimen requires me to run when I'm tired (short run following a long run - because Dyron says I have to train my legs to run when I'm tired...ugh!). Running is a commitment. And one I'm not willing to give up on...

Marriage is another commitment I'm not willing to give up on... it is a part of my life I WORK ON every day. My marriage is not a fairy-tale filled with constant romance and erotic love. But, it is a comfortable (and, yes, still exciting at times!) part of my life. I share a special bond with a special man that has produced three precious children who we are committed to raising to be responsible, God-loving adults.

In my world, everything worth anything takes work and commitment...my marriage, my relationship with God, my children, and my half-marathon (among a few other things) are all worth that extra effort!

Are you committed?

Messages

My television tells me...prescription medication will help alleviate certain unwanted symptoms or problems in my body.

My body tells me...when I move I build new muscles, I have more energy, I feel stronger...when I eat nutritious foods I look healthier and I don't get sick.

My new Pottery Barn magazine tells me...my house should look like a magazine. (An IMPOSSIBILITY with three young children.)

My right mind tells me...I don't need THINGS to make my house a loving home for my family.

Society tells me...to spend money I don't have on THINGS I don't need...(Sometimes I do feel the "pull" to get a job so I can have more money. For what? More things to add more stress to my already full life. For recognition in my field. For a sense of accomplishment. These are all real feelings I and other women have...but when I sit back and really think about what is important...it is the quickly passing, small amount of time I have with my children...a priceless investment, in my opinion. And, truly, what am I sacrificing? A more fashionable wardrobe (than blue jeans and t-shirts?), a newer car, eating out, new furniture, fabulous vacations to far away lands? I suggest that modern day, middle-class Americans don't have a clue as to what sacrifice actually is...)

My bible tells me..."For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." (Matthew 6:21)

I will continue to listen to myself. I doubt my decisions sometimes...but mostly I feel content in the path I am choosing...

Anyway, just musing about the bombardment of messages we, as Americans get on an ongoing basis throughout our day. I don't turn on my television during the day (who has time?) but I do listen to NPR. What messages am I getting? How do I decipher which are fact-based and which are just nonsense? How do I listen to my inner voice when the outside world is so loud? It's a constant struggle to be sure of my choices - what is good for me and my family. It's a constant struggle not to compare myself to others. Self-doubt can be hard to overcome in today's world with so many competing messages. And then I remember...Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

Favorite Things...

about being snowed in...

hot chocolate, extra blogging time, curled-up kitties, warm fire in the fireplace, and kids with rosey cheeks and cold noses!

"How to Live to 100"

I've been telling friends and family for a few years I've "put in my request" to live until I'm 100. Being an avid newspaper reader, I particularly enjoyed an article in this week's issue of Parade. "How to live to 100" by Dr. Mark Liponis.

He highlights some "great ways to increase your chances" of living to 100. 1)Eat a heart-healthy diet...I have no problem with that one. 2)Read the newspaper...being doing that for years! 3)Go forth and multiply...I'm good on the kids, but...he says women quadruple their chances of living to 100 if they have a baby after age 40!!! (D is still refusing to have a reversal!) 4)Get married...been there, done that and working on anniversary 13! 5)Watch your waist...my running addiction takes care of that! 6)Have faith - got it! 7) Buy the farm...he says "living out in the country" improves your chances. (Does living in the suburbs count for anything?) 8)Drink up! No problem! Actually, he's not just talking about wine...but tea and coffee, too! (All for the antioxidants...and in moderation, of course.)

He didn't mention anything about stress. Or attitude. Which I happen to believe are two huge factors in the longevity equation.

Dyron read me a story this morning out of the sports section about a 101-year-old British man who has signed up for the London marathon on April 13th. "I've said I'll attempt it, Buster Martin said, "I haven't said I'll complete it." He came out of retirement after only two years at the age of 99 and is a member of a musical group who recently had a single make the charts. He just competed in and finished a half-marathon in Essex last Sunday, crossing the finish line and saying, "Where's my beer?"

What an inspiration!

Wondering

Does the goodness of organic, skim milk cancel out the badness of a bowl of Fruit Loops?

In mourning...

My former piano teacher's (she's also one of my mom's best friends) son was unexpectedly found dead yesterday morning. She called me around noon looking for my mom and told me the news. What a shock! I instantly began crying and told her how sorry I was for her. It was extra hard to take the news because of having my own son. I don't know how people deal with the loss of a child - buy they do...

David was 27 years old when he died. We shared a birthday...February 11th. I remember him as a child because he was always there when I took piano lessons. I remember what an imagination he had as a child! He was an only child and his mother was very protective of him. When he died, he was working at a studio where he created sculpture out of metal. He was a very creative guy. He will be missed by a lot of people. I'm so sorry for the loss of David.

Every time someone dies who has been a part of my life, I notice the differences in people's ways of mourning. I am a very private mourner. I don't need the drama. I don't want to hug. I am sad but my mourning is inside of me. Others are very open...with loud sobbing...drama...and some have the need to talk about the death over and over again. That's not me. I can't analyze death. I guess it "is what it is." It's a finality. And, when it's sudden or tragic it can be very hard to understand.

Now, I can only pray for some sort of peace for his parents. But how? How can they ever process the finality of such a big part of their life? It's overwhelming to me. I hope God will hold them tight during this trial and give them some solace during this time of trial.

Good bye, David.

Mother's Day 2008:

Paradise

Sitting in my screened-in back porch. Listening to Dave on my Ipod. Drinking a Diamond Bear Pale Ale. Enjoying the late afternoon sun at 70 or so degrees. Watching my son run around the backyard chasing imaginary "bad guys." Knowing my toe is healing and I'll be running again soon! Blogging.

So, to all of you mothers out there. Bask in the moment. Know you have given away tiny parts of your "self" to teach your children, love your husband, and grow into one more year of who you are becoming...a wiser, more graceful, experienced woman who can eventually say, "You may be younger...but I have better car insurance!"

I'm loving this life my heavenly Father has given me. May He bless all of the mothers around the world today and every day.

My Man

I met you when you were 16 and fell in love with you in an instant. I could see you. I knew you were my other half. Someone who would love me no matter what. I have you and you have me. I want our almost 15 years together to turn into forever. Thanks for loving me. (And for painting the house.)

Friday Night as a "mature" adult woman!

Remember when Friday nights used to be...

meet you at the football/basketball game?

date night?

where are we "going out" night?

Well...this Friday afternoon started with some gardening (yes, I now love to play in my flower beds!) while drinking a Samuel Adams Summer Ale, sweeping off my front porch, finishing up some laundry, preparing supper for my parents to come over, and a late nap for the girls (so they can stay up and watch a movie). My back door is open and I can hear the birds chirpin'. Low 70's. No humidity. I think we'll eat supper on the back (screened-in) porch.

It's funny...but I think I like staying in...

In praise of high gas prices

Some of you are thinking..."What?" What is good about the rising cost of gasoline? What advantage is it to pay $100 to fill up the family Suburban? Well, I've been thinking about this blog entry for over a week...it all started with the realization of how many more people I see walking in my community. And, these people aren't walking for exercise (even though they are reaping this added benefit)...they are walking to Kroger, Sonic, and Dollar General. I saw one older lady carrying her yoga mat on her way to the Community Center! I saw a young woman walking with her child after a quick trip to a local store...they were taking their time and seemed to be enjoying the experience!

It's not all about the increased number of people using their feet to get around town. It's also about a sudden cessation in the uninhibited spending binge most Americans have been on for the last five years! Material goods, food, and energy were so "cheap" that most Americans (definitely not all) seemed to not even think about the amount of money they were spending on "stuff." Quite a few Americans even dipped into their precious equity on their over-priced houses to fund this "carpe diem" lifestyle!

Now, we (as a nation) are faced with some tough choices. Our monthly food bills are creeping up, gasoline and energy are eating up our extra income (if we had any to begin with)...our own incomes may be decreasing because of the slow down in the economy. Suddenly, all of our "stuff" seems so wasteful...our driving habits ridiculous...our lifestyles excessive.

I am praising high gas prices because it makes me think about what is really important in my life. It makes me really think about every purchase I make, every mile I drive, and even how high I set the A/C temperature.  It makes me slow down and consider what I am doing with my time and my life. It makes me think about people who have little money to begin with...what part do I play in the suffering of others? I have always been conscientious of the earth and my impact on it. I have always leaned toward the conservative side of spending...but I am considering these issues even more now. I am truly aware of my blessings. I am searching for new ways to live my life. I am looking even deeper into the ways I influence my children for when they become consumers (I don't even like to say that word...).

It's always a little "hardship" that teaches us the most valuable lessons. It's the way God shapes us into who we need to be to honor Him. It's how he polishes us to be beautiful stones in his Temple that reflect his glory.

So, I will praise high gas prices. I do grumble when I have to fill up a vehicle. I do wince slightly when I see the cost at filling up the Suburban. But, I also consider...   

Just musing...

I just returned home from attending a week long bible school. For those of you who read my blog and don’t know what a Christadelphian bible school is like…it’s a week long event…usually on a college campus or at a more rustic retreat…where we go to have classes, fellowship, musical praise, activities…basically to be rejuvenated in our faith!

I met my husband at a bible school when I was 20 years old. I knew in an instant I was going to marry him. I remember thinking how cute he was and then listening to him talk at lunch the following day and being like…”wow!”

So, naturally…I start looking around at bible school…wondering if any of the kids I see just might be one of my future daughter or son(s)-in-law. (Granted some of these kids are three-years-old. And, if one of my daughters follows in her mother’s footsteps (I’m almost four years older than Dyron)…not even born yet!)

I start analyzing kids…are they funny? Are they cute? Are they smart? Are they weird? Are they good (as in…do they know how to behave?)?

Then I start analyzing their parents…are they funny? (cuteness doesn’t really matter!) Are they smart?  Are they weird?

Then I think about DNA…I really would like some blue-eyed, curly-haired grandchildren (something my children didn’t come with…)!

It’s rather strange, surreal, and practical all wrapped up in one…

But it’s something I thought about all week. Not incessantly. But, at least once a day.

In the end, I know what I want for my children. I want a God-loving, passionate, slightly-responsible spouse who loves them like I love their father. I want them to celebrate their 13th wedding anniversary and feel like it went by too fast because they are still loving their husband/wife with a deep and true love they feel will last forever!

A Kingdom Day

Today was as perfect a day as I could have this side of God's Kingdom.

I woke up early (but not too early) and had an enjoyable cup of coffee before waking the boys (Levi spent the night) to cart them off to swim practice. It took a little persuading to get the boys out of bed (after a late night of watching "National Treasure 2") but I reminded them of their previous night's promise to be ready to get up early.

After returning home from swim practice, I fixed the boys another bowl of cereal and a bagel and then got to work cleaning the kitchen. (The girls had spent the night at Papa and Oma's so I decided to take advantage of it and get something done!) Asher and Levi then helped me out by  scrubbing two toilets and cleaning the sink and mirror in the kids' bathroom. After a little more dusting and putting away of "vacation laundry," we headed to Kroger for my part (Velveeta, rotel, tortilla chips, and two avocados) of the upcoming night's Annual Summer Taco Dinner. (In celebration of the first tomatoes from the garden and always at the request of my dad - he simply says to my mother..."I think it's time for some tacos!") Rain poured on me into and out of the grocery store but somehow I didn't mind the feel of the summer rain on my skin. (Plus, I was having a bad hair day and wearing shorts and my running shoes!)

When we arrived at Papa and Oma's the smell of cilantro was in the air! Mom and Mandie were chopping herbs and Aunt Florence was taking the seeds out of fresh jalapenos to make stuffed jalapenos...mmmmm.... they were the delicious! Aunt Florence and Mandie had picked peaches and nectarines earlier that morning so we got busy peeling them after lunch...with the addition of a huge amount of sugar they were turned into some scrumptous peach preserves!

Around 3:00 I took the golf cart down to my Grandmother's house and asked her if she wanted to join the party! She gladly accepted the ride and the fun continued with dinner preparations. What a feast we shared...tacos with fresh tomatoes and onions from dad's garden, chips and cheese dip, fresh stuffed jalapenos, guacamole, a huge bowl of pinto beans, and homemade peach cobbler with a scoop of vanilla ice cream!

Today's meal was like a holiday meal...and even more. It was like a celebration of community! We all had a hand in the day's events. I watched as my mom included her grandchildren in the meal preparation, the harvesting of the garden, in learning to serve others. I laughed with my Grandmother and had meaningful conversations with my aunt and my sister as we worked together in the kitchen. I had the joy of seeing my dad sit at the head of his table and delight in sharing the bounties of his garden with us! It was incredible!

I was very tired tonight when we finally got home around 8:00. It was a good tired. A contented and peaceful tired. Not a hurried, rushed, completely exhausted tired. A fulfilled tired.

I worked today. I was non-stop. I worked. But I didn't slave. Slave for something I'll never attain. I worked toward an attainable and joyous goal. The goal of a family meal. An annual tradition. A tradition that begins with some dirt, a tomato plant, and my dad's loving care. A tradition that ends with a family together at a table enjoying each other's company...laughing, eating, and just being...

Life changes

I remember when going to a movie in the summer was a sort of escape. Now, it just makes me tired...

(We went to see Wall-E with four cousins today...Micah, Shana, Nathan, and Stella!)

One of those days...

Have you ever had...

one of those days where you looked in the fridge and realized you only had two eggs, three pieces of bread (two heels), an entire box of Cheerios, and half a cup of milk to feed three children and yourself breakfast?

one of those days where you needed to wash your hair but you decided for time's sake to just put the nasty, greasy, itchy stuff under a baseball hat and pray you didn't run into Brad Pitt or your husband's boss's wife? ("Good grief...I'm only going to Target and Kroger!")

one of those days where you looked and looked at the organic, paraben-free, chemical-free shampoo and conditioner and considered purchasing it...until you saw the Suave brand for $1.97 and thought, "maybe next time?"

one of those days where the mold in the shower and the crumbs under the kitchen stools really bothered you...but instead of cleaning you decided whoever said "Boring women have clean houses" was really smart?

one of those days where the house next door (that has been on the market and empty for almost a year) goes up for rent and you think about the great neighbors that moved away and you're sad? 

one of those days where you realize none of the "stuff" really matters? What matters is how we love one another. How we treat our spouse. The way God sees us. What is in our heart. How we shine our light. What we teach our children.

Matthew 6:33 "But seek first his Kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

Keep in touch

We are so distant from God. The creator. And by God…I don’t mean Allah, Buddha, Mother Earth…I mean Yahweh. The God of the Bible. The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

We are so far from Him. We prefer idols. Our money. Our boyfriend/girlfriend. Our children. Our house. Celebrity. Diet Coke.

What is our problem? Can’t we see God is only trying to get us back to Him. He’s saying to us, “Hey you down there! I’m your Father. Your Creator. I made you. I know all about you. Your likes and dislikes. Your strengths and weaknesses. Your joys and sorrows. I even know your favorite ice cream flavor, how much credit card debt you have, and how fast you really ran that 4 miles yesterday… I know everything about you. And I still love you!”

I find myself goofing around on Facebook or looking through a magazine or drinking beer. And it’s the end of the day. And I’ve griped about my life. I’ve yelled at my children. I’ve been rude to my husband. And I haven’t picked up God’s Book. I haven’t read any of his “Manual for a Great Life!” And I wonder why I’m depressed. And whiney. And mean.

I need Him! I need his instruction on a daily basis! I need to breathe a little bit of Him into myself every day. I’m good at praying. I’m always praying about something. But, I need to get into Scripture! I need his Word to guide me. I simply can’t do it alone!

I am waiting for the day when God will restore me to Him. I don't believe this is the day of my death. I believe this will be the beginning of my life in the Kingdom of God on earth. I believe a little bit of restoration happens every day. God is restoring me to Him. He wants me to live. And live "the good life." This "good life" can only begin to happen when I fully rely on Yahweh. It is my full reliance on his love and mercy that brings me to Him.

Jeremiah 31:31-34 "'The time is coming," declares the Lord, "when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah. It will not be like the covenant I made with their forefathers when I took them by the hand to lead them out of Egypt, because they broke my covenant, though I was a husband to them," declares the Lord. "This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel after that time," declares the Lord. "I WILL PUT MY LAW IN THEIR MINDS AND WRITE IT ON THEIR HEARTS. I WILL BE THEIR GOD, AND THEY WILL BE MY PEOPLE. No longer will man teach his neighbor, or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,' BECAUSE THEY WILL ALL KNOW ME, FROM THE LEAST OF THEM TO THE GREATEST," declares the Lord. "FOR I WILL FORGIVE THEIR WICKEDNESS AND WILL REMEMBER THEIR SINS NO MORE."

God is my strength. My salvation. He knows what I need and cares for me unlike any other!

I've been....

thinking like crazy lately but haven't had a moment to put my thoughts into words...we've had several guests lately and now I'm "dog sitting" for my sister, Martie. Oscar fits right into our family!

I've also been putting in the miles. My half-marathon is August 31st. I am severely under-trained for this one...but I'll enjoy it anyway! I went running in the rain yesterday evening and it was so enjoyable. The sound of the light rain falling on the ground and dripping from the leaves. I love it! Lots of bunnies outside enjoying the cool weather...

I've also been playing close attention to what's going on with Russia. Been reading a lot of different blogs and news stories on the subject. Very interesting...

I've got some planned posts coming up...a short discussion of genealogy and birthrights, a look into two Genesis stories, and my thoughts on what's going on in Europe and the Middle East!

I've been enjoying the Olympics - the swimming was especially exciting for all of us! My life is constantly morphing into something new. Lillian in Kindergarten has been a bigger adjustment for me than I would have ever imagined. Eden and I are doing fine! Actually keeping busier than I would have guessed.

Gotta go. Need to make some supper for my hungry children!

I REALLY like you...

Dyron and I went on a 5-mile run together today. I really enjoyed running with my husband - he complimented me on my pace and was very encouraging even when I needed to take a walk break. (It was HOT! It was HUMID!)

:)

During the last mile, I had this funny moment. I was running with Dyron and I felt like we were running as friends...it felt like we weren't married. So, I immediately said to him, "Wow! I just felt like we weren't married and I REALLY liked you."

It came out sounding like a putdown...but that's not what I meant by it. I truly felt my heart skip a beat (maybe it was the running!) when I realized how much I LIKED and LOVED my husband and best friend.

Thanks for the run, babe! 

Cell phone

I'm one of "those people." I don't own a cell phone. I just don't need one that bad. Honestly, I don't want to be that readily available. I don't want to use it as a reason I can be "running late." Not having a cell phone actually helps me be more responsible and on time.

Today was one of those days when a cell phone might have been a good idea. I was meeting D at the ball field at 6:00 pm. The kids had a group piano lesson I hadn't told D about at 5:00 pm. Therefore, I was going to be a little late.

When I pulled up to the ball field, D was there waiting for me. "Where were you? I've been waiting for you. I tried to call you. I thought maybe you were in a car accident."

I told him, "Sorry...I forgot the kids had group lesson this week...and we came straight here...I guess I might need a cell phone."

But then I thought about it and said, "but...then you wouldn't have thought I was in a car accident and realized how important I am in your life. And you wouldn't have thought about how much you loved me. See what cell phones do to us?"

We smiled at each other and I realized I liked being one of "those people."

Where did my inspiration go?

I've been struggling lately to inspire through my writing. Words usually flow from my fingertips but for some reason I've been a bit "stopped up" lately!

I suppose my mind has been focused on other things. Politics, the stock market, and the future of our world are just a few of the distractions I've been struggling with lately. I've been letting the things beyond my control take control of me.

I know not to worry. I believe Yahweh is in control. But, somehow...I doubt. I doubt I won't be prepared for the future. I doubt my decisions about my children. I'm in this deep rut of doubt!

I've tried to pray my way out. I've tried to run my way out. I've tried to study the Scripture for my way out. I've tried to engage in discussions with friends, family, and my husband to figure a way out.

I'm realizing I need to mature. If I would only focus my mind on how I can help others, I wouldn't have all of this time to contemplate every little detail of what I hear on talk radio, what I read in the newspaper, and what I Google on the web!

So, this week I only "stayed home" today. I got out of my house and visited my mom. I cleaned my Grandmother's house. I took Eden on a loonnnggg bike ride to the park - the kind where we discussed evaporation, clouds, squirrels, leaves, flowers, seasons, energy, exercise, etc. I baked brownies for the school's Fall Festival and volunteered to run the Grab Bag booth.

I quieted my mind by doing something! And it helped. It took the focus off of my thoughts and worries and made me reach out and be a part of the humanity that is around me.

It felt great!

I think I'll try it again next week.  

God's rules are always good for us...

Leviticus 19:11 "Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not deceive one another."

Dyron was playing a song on the piano tonight that the kids learned at bible school. The song only contains the three phrases in this verse. It's a rousing song that get faster and faster and ends with a loud..."Leviticus....19....11!"

It suddenly struck me while listening to him...wow! If the bankers, mortgage lenders, etc. had been honest and followed the advice of the Bible...maybe America (make that the world) wouldn't be in this mess... I'll go even further...if the people taking out the mortgages had been honest with themselves (hmm...I'm only making this much money per month and I have these bills...I probably can't afford that house...) MAYBE the government wouldn't be frantically rushing around to fix the financial system.

I'm one of "those people" who actually believes God is good for you! He doesn't give us rules/advice/laws to restrict us but to guide us to a better life!

Kindness

Kindness is important to me.

Not that I'm very good at it. But it is important to me. I have told Asher on a number of occasions - "I just want you to be nice. To everyone."

I encourage and require my children to use nice words with each other. Not fake words. (There is always room in every family for a healthy argument.) Being nice doesn't denote agreement. People can agree to disagree. I guess I want them to show respect for each other.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. (I certainly assert mine!) I want them to learn (right alongside me) to have empathy. To make an effort to understand the other person. To figure out where they are coming from. To be nice. Patient. A good listener.

I never like to see children being mean to each other. Something about it really bothers me. I definitely don't let bigger/older kids pick on smaller/younger kids. It's just not right! Children need to learn (starting at a very early age) to be nice.

A big part of "nice" is self-restraint or self-control. Thinking of others first. The Golden Rule. "Treat others like you want to be treated." It's so against our nature. But, it's so crucial. For relationship. For making it in this world. Being nice always wins in the end.

By winning...I don't mean making the most money. Or being the most powerful. Or even being the most popular. But, people will notice. I always notice when someone is nice to me. It really sticks out. And sticks with me. And gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside...

Yes. Kindness IS important to me. I will teach my children so they will value kindness too.

Oh, Sara...

I have almost every Sara Groves song. She is absolutely inspirational. I'm obsessing about a song of hers today. "Fly."

"Speak in a summer tone. Pause in the afterglow. Tenderly whisper my name. Tell me once again why I am your bride.    So, I can fly.  So, I can fly.

"Pause in your busy day. Look extra long my way. Wink at me across the room. Kiss me longer. Touch my arm when I am by your side.    So, I can fly. So, I can fly.  

Oh, how the little things strengthen my tiny wings. Help me to take on the world. When you love me there's nothing I wouldn't try.    I might even fly. I might even fly. I might even fly..."

This song is doubly wonderful...I am Dyron's bride...I am Christ's bride.

And, they both let me fly!

So, snuggle close on the couch tonight to your significant other. Remember the first moment of your love. Cherish each memory. Thank God for the blessing of your friendship. Vow continuing love, patience, and committment to each other. See yourself growing old together. Live. Laugh. Love.

I can't take credit for this...

I found this to be so true...

"The man whispered, "God, speak to me," and a meadowlark sang. But, the man did not hear.

So the man yelled, "God, speak to me," and the thunder rolled across the sky. But, the man did not listen.

The man looked around and said, "God let me see you," and a star shined brightly. But the man did not see.

The man shouted, "God show me a miracle," and a life was born. But, the man did not notice.

So, the man cried out in despair, "Touch me God, and let me know you are here." Whereupon, God reached down and touched the man. But, the man brushed the butterfly away and walked on.

I found this to be a great reminder that God is always around us in the little and simple things that we take for granted ... even in our electronic age. So I would like to add one more:

The man cried, "God, I need your help!" And an e-mail arrived from a friend reaching out with good news and encouragement. But, the man deleted it and continued crying .

Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect."

"The Absorbent Mind"

I've been reading some of Maria Montessori's books again...

I liked this..."Except when he has regressive tendencies, the child's nature is to aim directly and energetically at functional independence. Development takes the form of a drive toward an ever greater independence. It is like an arrow released from its bow, which flies straight, swift and sure. The child's conquest of independence begins with his first introduction to life. While he is developing, he perfects himself and overcomes every obstacle that he finds in his path."

This paragraph got a "good grief" from me..."Alas, the child is forgotten in many more ways than this. (She cites an example of a teacher not being able to find child-sized utensils in the preceding paragraph.) He is the Forgotten Citizen, who lives in a world where there is plenty of everything for everyone else, but nothing for him. In this empty world he wanders aimlessly, getting constantly into mischief, breaking his toys, vainly seeking satisfaction for his spirit, while the adult fails completely to realize what are his real needs."

Remember, Maria Montessori lived from 1870-1952. Long before our child-centered American culture began!

Anyway, she's got some good thoughts on children. Just think for yourself when you read anyone...no one's an expert!

"The Word"

I've got Sara Groves cranked up while I'm cleaning my kitchen. Her song, "The Word" is blaring from my $10 CD player and I'm suddenly inspired to write...

"I've done every devotional. Been everywhere emotional. Try to hear new words from God. And I think it's very odd. While I intend to help myself. My Bible sits upon the shelf. With every promise I could ever need.

And the Word was. And the Word is. And the Word will be.

People are getting fit for truth like they're buying a new tailored suit. Does it fit across the shoulders? Will it fade when it gets older? We throw ideas that aren't in style in the Salvation Army pile. In search of something more to meet our needs."

And the Word was. And the Word is. And the Word will be."

I write.

I talk.

I discuss.

I have opinions. I certainly hope these opinions are based on truth. I pray they are... I ask for direction. I read the Word. I question. I try to check my experience and my bias at the door. (Of course, no matter how hard I try...these will influence.) I hope God influences me more.

The world screams at us every day. Through the television. Through the radio. Through the Internet. Through the telephone. It invades. It influences.

We can stop the world's invasion only to a certain point. We can refuse to accept the status quo. It's not that I want to be different. It's just that I am. I like to blend in. I like to be agreeable. It's really easier...

But, it's not always right.

Socks

Eden is currently going through an obsession with socks! She uses them for many purposes. They keep her stuffed animals warm, they double as hats for her dolls, she uses them to carry things, and she stuffs them in her pillow case.

I think it's funny how many different uses she finds for socks but I am constantly reminding her to put her socks on so her piggies won't get cold!

Real

I had a discussion this weekend with a few close friends (D included) about how I have to be "real." I can't (for lack of a better term) "bullshit" with people. When I meet you...you are going to know who I am in a matter of minutes. Part of it has to do with my belief in an Almighty God...part of it has to do with how I was raised...and part of it has to do with who I am. You will either like me or hate me. I am polite, courteous, moral, funny, smart...and REAL! I need a lot of sleep. I don't hold up well under stress. I don't try to cover up my pimples, my bad hair, my cheap clothes...I just live every day to the best of my ability (and sometimes that ability is severely lacking...). I try to learn every day. I try to teach every day. I try to listen. I'm not a "phone" person. My conversation comes out better through my fingertips. It's weird. I always mess up when I say words. My thoughts are much clearer when I "pen" them.

I cried with my friends. I hoped they understood me. I feel deeply. I agonize daily over something. Things beyond my control. Things better left to God.

But, if He is in me...I must consider...I must think...I must act...I must be REAL...

The Passage of Time

As I was sitting at the table this morning, drinking my coffee and listening to the girls' banter, I was suddenly hit with the reality of the quick passage of time.

Just a year ago, I was heavily involved in feeding Eden. Now, she is almost entirely independent. Just a year ago, Saturday morning breakfast was at least an hour earlier. Now, the girls play while D and I snooze a little longer. Now, Asher is still asleep.

The passage of time is entirely too fast. When a mama is in the thick of babies, diapers, nursing, potty training, sickness, etc...she thinks time will go on forever. She sometimes feels the endless monotony of childcare weighing her down. Keeping her from her own life pursuits.

I've felt my own share of ugly. Plain. Out of shape. Tired. Helpless. Stupid. I remember feeling like a "slave" to my children. And being angry about it. Angry about all of my unsung accomplishments. Fixing three meals. Comforting a crying child. Reading twenty books. Wiping two bottoms all day long. Getting a load of laundry washed, dryed, folded, and put away!

I know these feelings. I felt them for nine straight years. Now, that phase of mothering is becoming a fast memory. And, I'm vascillating between feeling sad and feeling liberated!

I can feel the mothering I'm so familliar with slipping away. I know I'm already in another phase and looking forward to it...but it's new...and a little scary.

I used to wonder when Asher would stop joining our bedtime stories. That time is upon me. He joins in a few nights a week. But, sometimes he's at basketball or baseball practice. Sometimes he's taking his shower. Sometimes he's doing his homework. I miss him. I'm honored when he joins us.

I used to wonder if Lillian would ever walk... Now, she leads her class at school. (I think she might grow up to be a diplomat!) She is very sure of herself. She is extremely friendly and helpful to her classmates. She is very aware of where she (and they) succeeds and fails and is always searching for ways to "do better."

Now I'm wondering when Eden will stop waking up in the middle of the night. She quietly comes down the stairs and slips into bed with me. I always wake up and snuggle with her for awhile but I usually can't fall back asleep (I know...I'm strange). So, I urge her back up to her bed. Sometimes I go with her and tuck her in but other times I tell her to go back up and get in her bed. (She does with no complaining.)

This morning I looked at her and decided I wouldn't push her out of my bed anymore...I decided to try to adjust to her sleeping next to me.

Because?

Because of the passage of time. I will look back...maybe in a few short weeks or months...and wonder where the time went when Eden snuggled with me in my bed. I will look back...and wonder how Asher grew taller than me. I will look back...and call Lillian in some foreign country to see how her life is going.

I guess what I'm saying is I want to cherish the now in my life. I want to realize the time is short and precious. I want to "be" in my life. This is my reality. This is what I was created for...my purpose. I should and will make the most of my time with my children. It is passing with great speed and I can't put on the brakes... 

Ode to 2008

2008 was a year of firsts for me. I ran my first 5 miles. 8 miles. 10 miles. Half-marathon. I broke a bone - my big toe. I sent my oldest daughter to Kindergarten. I picked out carpet. I joined a social network - Facebook. I hosted a neighborhood block party. I celebrated my 35th birthday with a big party and let the special women in my life know what they meant to me. I accompanied my husband and cheered him on while he ran the Boston marathon. I ran my second half-marathon with my in-laws and sister-in-law at Virginia Beach. I ran my third half-marathon with a close girlfriend in Dallas.

2008 was an eventful year. Full of new choices. A few hard decisions. Many miles on foot. Many miles on the road. A year of new parenting challenges. Another terrific year of marriage. A year of learning. About myself. About my God...Yahweh. About my Savior...Yeshua. A year of trying to understand and value other's perspective on life. Different viewpoints on hard subjects. A year of looking at the big picture. Of realizing there are different paths toward the same goal.

2008 was a year I started to understand how important love is for the human journey. Not romantic love. Not even the love friendship brings us. But, the self-sacrificing love God showed us by allowing his only begotten Son to be put to death. The love Jesus displayed in his life of unselfish, compassionate servitude of others throughout his 33 years on this earth. The love mamas have for their children. The love Yahweh wants husbands and wives to have for each other. The love I should have for my neighbor. Agape.

As I look forward to 2009 and think about what I want to accomplish...I realize it's not really about what I want to accomplish but about what Yahweh will accomplish in me...

Psalm 25:4-5 "Show me your paths and teach me to follow; guide me by your truth and instruct me. You keep me safe, and I always trust you."

I want to trust Yahweh completely in 2009. I know I will slip up. I know I will want to "take matters into my own hands." I know I will doubt. I just hope I can remember who I should rely on...who I should turn to...who I should trust completely. Not myself. But Yahweh.

My own fear...

In our 13 year marriage, we have had cable television one year. We had cable the first year we were married.

I fondly remember watching the "James Bond Marathon" on TBS...we would hurriedly get our homework/studying done so we could watch the early and late Bond movie of the night. It lasted for two weeks and I think we watched two Bond movies every night.

I also remember Dyron coming home from school one afternoon to find me laying on the couch balling my eyes out (I had stayed home sick) because of an Oprah episode about child molesters. I remember how angry he got..."What are you doing? Are you trying to make yourself even sicker?"

Our television's "rabbit ears" have been an object of jokes, ridicule, and cursing (by us when we can't get a signal!) over the past twelve years. They are always the dinosaur in the room...some of Asher's friends have asked him, "What's that?" Some people don't understand our aversion to television and some people think it's "totally cool."

The switch to a digital signal is right around the corner and we are not prepared in any way. We have never purchased a television and our current "hand me down" is not digitally ready. I absolutely refuse to have a "black box" in my home. (Has anyone read 1984?) So, sometime in February (I forget the exact date) we will no longer have "television."

This concept and an extraordinary Razorback basketball game prompted Dyron to hand me some U-verse literature the other day and say, "What do you think? Should we take the plunge?" I told him I would "think about it."

And I did.

I enjoy television. And maybe this is my fear. Sometimes I think I can have cable and just limit myself to a certain number of hours per week. But I start doubting. I don't want television to replace writing. Or reading. Or running. Or being with my children. I don't want to sit in front of the television with my children...I want to be with them! Interacting. Talking. Reading together. Playing together. Discussing God.

I thought about how much Dyron enjoys watching a basketball, football, or baseball game now and then. But I know "now and then" will turn into every night. And then I will be one of the women in the running group complaining about my "couch potato" of a husband. (Actually, I really don't believe that would ever happen with D!) And then we'll be falling asleep in front of the television. And then we will be the people watching the "blue tube of death" instead of getting another mile in and enjoying the outside world...

We both agreed we would try the "no television." We would see how we liked it. If we could live without absolutely any stations.

I'm optimistic.

I think we can.

And...

I think we might really like it.

A Mama's Top Ten

TOP TEN REASONS I LIKE BEING A MAMA:

#10 - I get to practice patience every day.

 #9 - I've learned the value of forgiveness.

 #8 - I am NEVER bored!

 #7 - (Little) people come to me for advice and almost always take it.

 #6 - I am the queen - even though I have to clean my own castle!

 #5 - Someone tells me they love me multiple times during the day.

 #4 - I am always considered the smartest person in the room (by my children).

  #3 - I get to spend the day with optimistic (little) people who don't understand "tough economic times", "climate change", or stimulus packages.

 #2 - I don't have to worry about unemployment. (Mamas like me are in high demand!)

And the top reason I like being a mama...

 #1 - My investment in my children will pay off huge dividends no matter if the stock market goes up or down...

Midlife

I will be 36 years old on February 11th. So, I'm officially at "midlife." Right? Luckily, I'm not in crisis mode...I'm actually at a comfortable place. Old enough to "know better" and young enough to have a life full of possibility!
The kids and I were listening to Sara Grove's "Station Wagon" CD in the Suburban yesterday and one of her songs really struck me...

"When you reach the proper age, I will teach you to read and you can turn the pages...How to dress and tie your shoes, your 1 + 1 and your 2 x 2. And you'll teach me of hopes and dreams, and all the most important things...and all that I have lost along the way...and I can't wait!"

It struck me what my children bring to my life. They teach me so much. About what's really important. Snuggles. Going to the park. Baking cookies. Laughing.
And they help me build my character! Patience. Love. SELFLESSNESS. I have learned to put others needs above my own...
(Of course, I still get frustrated with this at times. Like when I just want to go for a run!)

My children live life with such abandon! They teach me to not worry about the house, to be myself, and to embrace the joys and challenges of life!

The opposite perspective of a child's is obviously an older person. A much older person. I'm thinking of my 87-year-old Grandmother. She has lived life as a wife, mother, follower of God, grandmother, homemaker, seamstress, etc. and I enjoy her "take" on life. I know she has lived through many challenges, heartaches, joys...she has encountered many of the daily struggles of motherhood that I do!
I value the insight she gives me in our conversations. I learn so much from her. About what's really important. I look at her and want to grow into a woman like her.
I want to pack away my experiences into my heart and be able to share them with someone who needs them.

So, here I am...at a crossroad of life. Midlife. I've learned a lot but I still have miles to go on my journey. I'm somewhere between the innocence of childhood and the battle scars of a life well-lived.
But...I'm not lost. I will stay the course. I will walk and fall and hopefully learn from my injuries. And I pray I will embrace my learning and turn it into the wisdom that can only come through experience.

Strength

There is something I can't completely put my mind around...it is the concept of being amazed at someone's strength when they come through a trying ordeal. Well, that I understand. I guess it's more the fact that a person may not be considered "strong" if they have lived a quiet life with no big catastrophes.

Someone has actually said this to me before...along the lines of..."Marria, you wouldn't have been able to handle __________. You're not that strong."

Okay. I will give that I might lay down and die if confronted with major catastrophes in my life. I might be really weak. I might go insane. I might not be as "strong" as the average Joe.

But, I know I have been tested. I know I have been through trials. No one has ever molested me. No one has murdered someone close to me. I pray I never see one of my children terminally ill. I hope my husband is always faithful to me. But, just because none of these things has ever happened to me doesn't make me "not strong."

I look at Jesus. He was tested. He was mocked, beaten, spit on, told he was a liar (when he wasn't), born in a barn, poor, without food and water...and he was "strong" through it all. "Strong" until death.

I look at some people others consider strong. I think some of these people have suffered through trials (not of their own doing) and been amazed at their strength! These people have learned lessons that make them more empathetic of others suffering. These people may realize the "preciousness" of life more than me. These people may live every day more fully!

I look at some people others consider strong and feel totally different about their situation. Some of their trials (not of their own doing) have simply turned into excuses of why they can't seem to get their life in order, of why they treat others badly, of why their life sucks... These people I don't consider strong. I have dealt with people like this in my life. It's always the same story. They fall into some trouble. The "woe is me" story is recycled. They get back on their feet. And the cycle begins again...

I have been truly blessed with my life. I had great parents. I had a wonderful childhood. I married a terrific, God-loving man. I have the blessing of three healthy children. I am blessed materially.

I have also had my share of trials. I have used my upbringing, prayer, biblical knowledge, family and friends help, and good decision-making skills to confront and overcome in these trials.

Does this make me weak? Am I not strong?

I don't think so... My prayer every day includes thanksgiving to Yahweh for my blessed life. I also pray for the continuation of my peaceful life. I also pray for help in any trial I encouter...with my children, my self, the world, etc.

So, I am strong. I am strong because God makes me strong.  

Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things in him that strengtheneth me."

My Greatest Lesson

Eden and I just finished making banana bread. As I watched her "lick the beaters", I was overwhelmed with emotion. This emotion of intense love and humility always hits me at unexpected moments.

This four-year-old child of mine is truly a gift from my Father in heaven. I was not planning on another child when I found out I was pregnant with Eden. I was angry. I was exhausted. I wasn't ready. I was too busy with a four-year-old son and a 14-month-old daughter. I wished for my pregnancy to end...

I thought God was giving me a burden I couldn't bear...

I didn't want to be tired. I didn't want to be nauseated all day. I didn't want to throw up for three months. I just couldn't...no! no! no!

And, now I am reminded often and at unexpected moments of God's love. Of his wisdom. Of his blessing in this child.

I obviously needed to trust Him. I needed to understand He knows what I need more than I know myself. I needed to be humbled. I needed to know of a greater love...a perfect love that surpasses my understanding.

It's in these moments I see God's face in my child.

It's in these moments when I am completely humbled. I know He will never forsake me...and I must trust Him.

I thought...

life would somehow get easier as I got older. HA!

Solomon says in Ecclesiastes 1:18 "For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief."

I am not saying I have accumulated much knowledge in my (almost) 36 years but I believe wisdom is the result of learning through experience. Through this experience (with life and people) comes quite a bit of sadness. Sadness when I really mess up. Sadness when people I love get in a funk. Get in a cycle of one bad decision after another. Sadness at all the mishaps of life. Avoidable and unavoidable.

Sadness in misunderstanding.

Misunderstanding of me. Of them.

Why (when I'm trying my very best) do people want to call me self-righteous? Self-righteous? Really?

So, you've decided that I've decided I'm better than you???

Well, I haven't decided that...I've just decided I'm happy with my home life. With spending a quiet evening with my husband. With taking my kids to the park. With running. With writing.

I'm very simple.

At the (almost) age of 36, I like being with my family. I like having friends over for a good meal, good wine, and good conversation. I love laying out in the sun. I like visiting with my Grandmother.

So, I guess I've learned the quiet life is the best life for me...I love to know all I can about the world. I love to philosophize about what God thinks about us.

Wow...that was a ramble...but I needed to say it.

Accomplishments

When I look back on my 36 years, I wonder...what have I accomplished?

Thanks to all of the comments on my last entry I know I have "accomplished" some good friendships! 

I suppose I can't really name everything I've accomplished...by "human" standards I've accomplished a graduate degree, a blessed marriage of almost 14 years, a home in a nice neighborhood, three healthy children, a few half-marathons...

But, what have I accomplished by God's standards? Have I helped others? Have I "sold everything" and followed Christ? What have I accomplished in God's eyes?

I look to his Son for the standard I need to live up to...

Yeshua was a man. A man who overcame his sinful flesh. A man who gave his all - including his life - to please his Father. What an awesome accomplishment! A man who gave his life as a sacrifice so I could have a chance (despite all my sins) to be "all in all." To be with God. To live forever in his Kingdom.

So, what have I accomplished in my 36 years? I hope I have shown Yahweh that I trust him completely. I hope I have shown Yeshua that I love him completely. That I appreciate what he did for me. That in some small way I can extend His love to others.

Ecclesiastes 12:13 "Here is the final conclusion now that you have heard everything: Fear God and keep his commandments; this is what being human is all about."

The Birthday Sign

As I was taking down the balloons and birthday sign from Lilli's party (yes, I realize it was a few weeks ago) (I usually leave up some of her decorations for my own birthday), I reminisced about the birthday sign. To the unknowing observer, the birthday sign would just look like a cheap string of metallic letters. It is... yet it is so much more to me.
I bought the birthday sign for the first birthday party I "threw" for Dyron. Probably his 19th birthday... I've kept the birthday sign for 13 years. It is already a family heirloom to me. I just can't part with it. It already has too many memories associated with it.
There's just something immensely enjoyable about the cheap (I think it was $1.99) string of metallic letters... they say "Happy Birthday" to me!

Realize the blessing

I'm cooking supper tonight... chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy (the Southern kind...) listening to Sara Groves and realizing my blessings. It's cold outside yet I have the blessing of a warm home.

"You did that for me... you wore the chains so I could be free..."

I should be worrying about the continued plunge of the stock market but when the IRA, retirement, and college-savings statements came in the mail today I just put them aside.

"A faithful man will be richly blessed, but one eager to get rich will not go unpunished." Proverbs 28:20

I could be angry at the injustice going on in our government... but I will just continue to do my best. I won't be led down the path to hate those who are "blamed" for our current economic woes.  I will patiently wait. I will make the most of every opportunity. I will try to encourage with my words...

I will be faithful. He has blessed my life in more ways than I can name... probably more ways than I even realize!

Now, I will sit down to dinner with my children. We will give thanks to our Creator for all of our blessings. I will miss Dyron... but realize the blessing of his job.

I will try to realize all of my blessings and hold on to my trust in God to endure the possible trials ahead.

"As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my ways perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. YOU GIVE ME YOUR SHIELD OF VICTORY; YOU STOOP DOWN TO MAKE ME GREAT."   (A Psalm of David)

Follow Me

I just helped my friends sell most of their "stuff" from their almost 20 years of marriage today. They are moving to South Africa at the end of April and will only have 650 square feet to share with their three children! They are going to be missionaries for at least three years.
They aren't selling everything... they are storing their really nice furniture, family pictures, piano, etc for when they return to the United States to "start all over!" It really taught them and their children what was important to them... a terrific lesson for all of us.
As I was helping with the garage sale today, I couldn't help thinking about a Scripture.
Mark 10: 17-23 tells a story of a young man asking Jesus "what must I do to inherit eternal life?" Jesus tells him, "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
This family is taking a step of uncertainty in the eyes of many... but to them God is directing their steps to serve him in a foreign country. Not to only serve Him... but to serve others. To help some of the less fortunate of this world. Cameron is leaving a managerial job at Wal-Mart and Kim is leaving the comforts, friends, and conveniences of a place she has called home for over almost 15 years.
I think their trust in God is amazing! I pray their journey will be filled with experiences that will deepen their faith. I know God is working in their family... and He is making a place for them in his Kingdom!

Synergy

Synergy is the cooperative action of two or more entities. I've seen this term used in relation to business partnerships, drug interactions, and in medical descriptions (such as how muscles work together).
I woke up this morning thinking about synergy. Probably because my husband is away for the second week in a row and I have no partner to help me get the kids going and out the door to school! He and I work very well together in our different roles on school mornings. (Sunday mornings... we're getting better!)
Our household requires synergy among all family members to run efficiently. We all must do our part to get what needs to be done... DONE! Our family relationships are especially harmonious and fulfilling if we each do our very best. Just one person can throw a family of five off track very fast.
Synergy is important in all aspects of life. A family works better and is more productive with synergy. A school can accomplish great feats for all students with synergy. Cooperation between students and teachers creates a classroom atmosphere for optimal learning! Churches benefit from synergy. When a member slated for teaching Sunday school gets sick, another member should be ready and willing to jump in and help... A church family that works together can see problems and offer solutions before the problems get out of hand. A community that comes together in cooperation can also accomplish great things! Working together as a family, church, school, community, nation, and world can benefit ALL!
I'm more determined than ever to make sure my part of the synergy equation is my best part... I must be doubly efficient this week while my husband is away! Luckily, my children realize I need extra cooperation and help from them when their Daddy is away. I appreciate the help!

Run, run, as fast as I can!

I think when I run.
I think clearly when I run.

I write volumes when I run.
I solve personal problems when I run.
I solve the world's problems when I run.

Sometimes I grimace. (Because I'm making my muscles really work.)
Sometimes I smile. (Cause I'm feeling good...)
Sometimes I just listen. To my Ipod. To the sounds of the outside world.

Mostly, I feel free.
I feel inspired.
I feel the stress melt away.
I feel like I'm doing something good for myself.
I'm conquering...

I'm living.

I'm accomplishing, maintaining, and suffering...
I'm learning something new about myself.
About my limits.
About my abilities.

I'm realizing my full potential and my limits all at the same time.

I'm slowly growing into my $100 running shoes.
Maybe someday I'll actually be able to fill them...

A Little Down

I'm feeling a little blue today. I can't put my finger on it. I think it's probably connected to just returning home from a long trip away. It always takes me a day or two to get back into the swing of things after a trip.
Nothing in particular is wrong. My house isn't too messy. My calendar for the week is actually clear of extra duties besides just the regular duties of a mama. My trip to the grocery store was uneventful but not entirely unpleasant. It's just a day.
I'm looking outside my window right now. The sun is shining. It's a little chilly outside. (I know because I just got the mail.) Eden's watching a little Scooby Doo. The kids will be home from school in about 25 minutes. Then I'll be busy with a quick snack, piano lessons, taking Eden to the library, coming home and cooking supper, homework, baths, books, and bed.
So, I can't put my finger on my blue mood. It just is...

A Bounty of Blessings

I think my blues yesterday may have been from a need to get out and run. After a good, long run followed by a good, long walk (with a friend) last night, my attitude has totally changed today.
I should have focused on the feelings I had when I walked in my door after being away for nine days last week. I felt a rush of blessings upon entering my home. The warmth of my home hit me instantly. I had such a pleasant sensation of being home I said a brief prayer of thanksgiving.
It wasn't my only feeling of blessings last week. I was so grateful for my children's grand parents. I really dwelt on the welcome they always give me and my children. They not only include us but welcome my mother too! I experienced a bounty of love, food, and fun while in Virginia. I ran with my father-in-law. I ran with one of my sisters-in-law. I felt so blessed to get to visit with people I have come to know and love since meeting Dyron.
Blessings continued when Lilli fell sick. I was able to locate a clinic (only one mile off the highway), use my insurance card, and health savings account card and get medicine for my child who had pneumonia! I was able to travel across this beautiful country I call home in the comfort of my Suburban. I was able to pay for the gas to travel 2200 miles for Spring Break. I was able to stay in safe and comfortable hotels (think of where Jesus was born in comparison) on my journey.
How can I be blue? My life is a continual blessing. I am blessed. And, I am extremely (but not enough) thankful to God for his love!
I've got to give my worries to Him.
I've got to focus on my blessings.
I've got to be a positive force in this world.
I've got to be the change I can be and quit worrying about things beyond my control.
I've got to realize my bounty of blessings. 

Leaving Egypt

"I need to leave Egypt behind,
and get the world out of my mind.
Take Yahweh by the hand,
and let Him lead me to the Promised Land!"

-Me

Author: Mama of three

I write and I write in my head all day
And when I get a minute... I don't know what to say!

Guiding Principles

I've been thinking a lot lately about my teenage years. I think watching my girls grow up and realizing their teenage years are right around the corner is causing me to look into why I made some of the decisions I did as a teenager. As a parent, I feel the need to be prepared for what's coming up in my children's lives. Being 100% prepared for every situation is not realistic, but being aware of what is ahead does help in dealing with possible scenarios.
Not to leave my son out... Dyron has an insight into boys I will never have but we can work together in guiding all of our children. He helps me with Asher by giving me clues into a 9-year-old boy's mind and I help him with the girls by assuring him their crying about everything is normal!
I have been musing as to why I made the decisions I did in my teenage years. I have come to the conclusion it is because of three important reasons. My love of God, my parents' love for me, and my ability to analyze my decisions and realize their consequences on my life.
For some reason, as a young woman, I was able to put myself in the future and analyze my present decisions accordingly. I was able to step back from a situation and ask myself, "In (insert any number) years, will I be comfortable with this decision?" (Especially in regards to relationships with the opposite sex). I could imagine myself as a grown woman seeing a former boyfriend/date out somewhere, saying "hi", talking to him... meeting his girlfriend/wife/kids... and it made my decisions clear.
When I finally fell in love (with my husband), the difference in past relationships compared to this one was readily apparent. I wasn't confused about love and its place in my life. This clarity is what I desire for my children. This knowledge of self... principles to live life by... ability to make good decisions to enhance their life... is one of my main goals in parenting them.
I was given clear guidance as to the best way to live my life. I was taught to value myself. I was taught to stand on my principles. I was taught to love and obey God. I was taught important principles of life and love by my parents. I had a strong sense of being true to myself. Why? I don't fully know. All I know is how I viewed my life at the time. I was able to look into the future. I was able to feel the love of my God and my parents. I was able to be myself.
It wasn't always easy. There were times I wanted to be accepted into a certain group. There were guys whose attention I wanted. But, I always had to be myself and make my whose attention principles clear. (Don't get me wrong. I made some bad decisions.) Some respected me for my beliefs. Others didn't.
I just wanted to be loved and accepted for all of me. My brain. My creativity. My love of God. My humor. My friendship. I didn't want to be accepted by being someone I was not. I didn't want to be loved for the potential pleasure I could provide someone. That felt empty to me. Not that I wasn't tempted by it. I was! But, I knew I wanted more than a temporary physical relationship. I knew I wanted more than meaningless "friendships." I was willing to wait for true love. I was willing to be myself.
There are a few changes I would make if I could "go back"... it would be great to know what I know now... then. I'm sure most people feel this way. But, it's probably what we would change that helped make us into who we needed to be!
So, how do I instill these principles in my own children? How do I make my message louder than the world's message? I know I have to do what I say. Actions speak louder than words. This is a huge responsibility as a parent. I have to constantly appraise the situation by asking myself... "What am I showing my children in my daily actions? What things are important to me? Family?  Money? God? Power? Do I put others first? Am I selfish? What comes out of my mouth? What do I spend my time doing?" Children are extremely observant. They can't be fooled. They are watching and learning from their parents and other adults all day long.
It amazes me when parents say... "I have no idea why he/she does this?" Really? They learned it from someone. Children do what they see. They are an extension of their environment. It's actually that simple!
When I yell... my children yell. When I am impatient... my children show impatience. When I am rude... my children are rude. Luckily, this works both ways! When I show respect... they are respectful. When I choose healthy foods... they do too. What I make important... my children make important.
This brings me to guidance. Guidance is the act or function of guiding. It is  leadership. It is giving direction, advice, or counseling. Guidance is supervised care or assistance. The guidance of my children is my main job between the ages of 4 to adulthood. Babies are cared for by taking care of their physical needs. Young children are cared for by reducing their reliance on their parents for their every physical need and being guided to make responsible decisions in their every day life. Independence is the goal. First, physical independence... we want our children to be able to feed, clothe, and house themselves. Second, self-responsibility should become the framework of every day decision making. I hope I am guiding them to good decision making by teaching them important principles for a good and successful life.
Mistakes will be made... that's a given. Humans make mistakes! I have made and will make many mistakes in my life. My children will make many mistakes. It is knowing what to do when a mistake is made that is important. It is learning from our mess-ups that make us into successful humans in all areas of our life. Children must know how to deal with mistakes. I am teaching my children not to blame others but to accept, change, and move on to better choices. This isn't just my principle. This is God's advice. He wants us to realize our sin. Accept our sin. Repent and change our ways. And move on... learning from our sin.
The only life-long reliance I want for my children is a reliance on God. A reliance and dependence on his guiding principles. A love for Him. A seeking of Him (through prayer and His Word) in every situation they encounter in their lives. So, as I wonder how to guide my children I must remember to turn to my Creator for His guidance. I don't walk alone. I must show my children who I get advice from... who guides me.
My prayer is they will learn to look to Him for their own principles. I pray my children will grow up always turning to God for guidance. And, they will choose His guiding principles to live their lives to the fullest! I pray they will not be confused in those sometimes daunting teenage years but they will be true to their God, themselves, and their principles.

Shaving Cream

The difficult part of living in modern America is living in reality. We are constantly bombarded by media. We are falling into the entertainment "trap" more and more... Entertainment causes a slumber. Our minds go into robotic mode when sitting in front of the television, computer screen, or sporting event. We aren't engaged in our life. We are fed a fantasy... an illusion of what life is... a million different images are put into our brain without a moment of quiet reflection to process all that we've just seen.
D and I have been musing over this very idea of false reality. We talk to people who are constantly disappointed by their life. Why? Isn't real life hard? At times, mundane? Isn't the majority of our day consumed with eating, sleeping, cleaning, working... taking care of the necessary details of existence? Why are we expecting anything different from true reality? Yes, we are given moments throughout the day... moments of pure joy. My children make me laugh often but they also frustrate me. My children offer me moments of joy but they also make me angry. Life with children is sometimes hard. Sometimes the entire day can be spent trying to teach them one, simple lesson. This is reality. And, reality is good.
Now... onto the shaving cream. The reality of my life is I am extremely blessed. I live in relative safety and comfort. I have a variety of delicious and healthy foods to eat and feed my children. I can go to the doctor when I am sick. Medicine is readily available when anyone in my family is sick. I live in a beautiful home that is warm in the winter and cool in the summer. I am blessed in my reality.
I often think of my blessings when I am in the shower. I guess this is a time away from my children when I can reflect on my day. I can relax. I often pray in the shower. I thank God for my blessings. I thank him for the real blessings in my life. My healthy children. My loving husband. My home. I often focus on the warm water... and I feel the blessing. I think of the many people around the world who have never experienced a warm shower. And I pray in thanks again.
I hope I keep my expectations of life in balance with the reality of my life. The times I find myself getting frustrated or possibly depressed are the times when I expect more than reality. (I think it's great to dream. Human beings need to dream... to strive for more than we are... not to be confused with striving for more stuff!)
One way I keep my life in balance is with shaving cream. (Yes, it's crazy to think a $2 bottle of shaving cream keeps my life in balance!) Shaving cream is a blessing. Not a necessity. I still (at the age of 36) buy shaving cream as a treat. I can easily afford it. But, for some reason... I feel it's a good check on reality for me.
We can all evaluate our own reality in our own way. Shaving cream is my way. It's important for me to differentiate necessity from luxury. It keeps me in reality. It keeps me from being constantly disappointed. It keeps me grounded and feeling blessed. 

A Time for Everything

I can remember the first time Dyron kissed me. The waiting. The wondering. The excitement. It's a moment I would like to experience over and over again. But, I realize it is a moment in time to be cherished... not relived.

It was given to me. But not taken away. It was. It is. A reality gone in a moment. Yet it remains in my mind. Part of me. But not who I am.

There are many such times in our lives. Times we want to stand still. Like the slow motion moment of seeing my son or daughters for the first time. Like the first time I crossed the half-marathon finish line. Like the first (and only) straight-A report card at university. Like the first time a friend stood up for me. Like saying "I do" to my true love...

These are moments to tuck away in my heart. These aren't moments to be relived... magic moments simply can't be replicated. There is no rewind button. Take a mental picture. Tuck it away in my mind's memory book. Pull it out when I need to remember. But, it's only once.

A full and meaningful life is one lived with no regrets. An authentic life. We live. We love. We make mistakes. We take wrong turns. We fall down. But, we get up. Say "sorry." Try again. Get over it. Become stronger. Better. Wiser.   

Even if I could "go back" knowing what I do now, what would be the benefit? Would my life be better? My answer is "no." Everything happens for a reason. Specifically, to make us better and stronger and wiser... and who we need to be!

We remember the fleeting moments of meaning... and we live and make more memories from a life well-lived!

Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
 1 There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven:
 2 a time to be born and a time to die,
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build,
 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
 6 a time to search and a time to give up,
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 8 a time to love and a time to hate,
       a time for war and a time for peace.

Mothering

Mothering is undefinable. At times.

At other times, it is a rush of emotions. An unexpected feeling of love. Unconditional love.

At other times, it is simply getting by... It is continuing when there is no energy left. It is giving all you have left to someone else. It is putting yourself last. And, somehow... it feels right.

Still, at other times... you can wonder if it's worth all of the effort. You just want to give up.

All mothers know mothering is continuing when everything goes wrong. Mothering is loving despite impossible odds. Mothering is staying strong, keeping a smile on, saying what needs to be said... yes, and even wiping butts...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

I have been...

so busy with life lately!

I had a full house for the Memorial Day weekend. The wonderful Johnson family from Illinois and Grandy and Grammy Hamlin graced us with their presence! I love having guests! It just takes me time to recover after they leave and I'm suddenly faced with the reality of another week of school, loads of laundry, baseball games, husband traveling for work, needing to buy cat food, swim team practice...

It's all enough to make a mama's head spin.

And, I've bartered belly photos and yard work for massage and piano fees... what was I thinking?

In the middle of all of this busyness, I try to find a quiet moment to meditate on His Word, to pray for blessings on others, and to relax and enjoy the moments. The moment when Eden tells me... "I love you, mama." The moment when Dyron calls in the middle of a busy work day just to see how I am doing. The moment when Lilli says, "Listen to the new song I made up on the piano." The moment when my son steals home plate!

I love my life. I hope I am living each day to the fullest. I hope I don't waste a second...

Needy

I had a low day last week. Dyron had been away for four nights and I was missing him terribly. Asher and Lilli were out of school and still adjusting to the extra free time called summer vacation. I had a messy house and piles of laundry because of a trip to Fayetteville. I had to take the kids to their first swim meet of the season by myself. I was hormonal...
Basically, I was tired. I felt overwhelmed.

I didn't take the time to breathe. I didn't take the time to enjoy my cup of coffee. I didn't take the time to pray. I couldn't turn my mind off and wasn't getting enough sleep. I just loaded it all on my shoulders and I could barely carry the load.

I can't do it all by myself. I need my husband. I need my mom. I need my friends. I need my God.

When I close myself to others, I find it difficult to get through my trials. When I try to do it all alone, I can't.

I guess sometimes I forget how frail I can be... it's good to be reminded...

In the trenches...

I'm in the trenches of mamahood
and can't seem to dig my way out.
Down in the dirt
Lookin' up at the blue sky
Wondering
Waiting
Standing again
Get the shovel.
dig
dig
dig
Keep at it...
the trench is long
the trench is deep

There is an end to this battle
and I'm afraid it's coming too soon...

Friends

I have a lot of friends... but not too many. I have friends I've known since childhood. I have friends I've met as an adult. I have friends who share my faith. My best friend is a man. (Can you guess?) My other best friend is related to me.
I have friends of all ages. Two of the friends I cherish the most are 65 and 88. I have friends who inspire me with their athletic ability, their artistic ability, their mental ability... and their ability to love me despite my many faults.
Most of my friends I talk to a few times a year. We call. We send a note. We plan a weekend visit. We see each other at a church function. We go to the beach together.
It's always amazing to me how I reconnect with my "true" friends even if I only see them once a year! I get a lot of joy out of catching up on their life.
It's also amazing how good a note or a call can make me feel... it lets me know not only am I thinking of them... they are thinking of me. It's the best part of friendship. The mutual sharing of love for one another. The caring. The connection.
I'm thinking of friends because one of my "adulthood" friends is visiting me this week. We talk every few months on the phone. Maybe make an occasional comment on Facebook to each other. But, mostly... we just live our individual lives knowing that we are thinking of, praying for, and loving each other without saying a word.
I guess to me... that's what "friend" means.

I've got to...

get back into blogging.

I've been a bit busy with life this summer. Three kids keep you rockin.' NO TIME to think. NO quiet TIME. NO TIME to reflect.

I've been reading. Doing some research for a class I want to put together on dads and daughters.

D ripped up the upstairs carpet. So, that's an upcoming project.

I've been entertaining company. And we just got back from a quick trip to Louisiana for a family reunion.

I've been pickin' purple hull peas and canning tomatoes. The summer is almost over and I hardly feel like it has begun.

Life is fast. And complicated. And fun! And not quite what I expected... actually.

The Soft and Hard of Motherhood

Motherhood has a life of its own. It is ever-changing. It almost never lets you stop and take a breath of observation. There is always something new to boggle your mind. A new puzzle to solve is always waiting at the bottom of every pile of clean laundry. Just as its folded and put away a dirty sock appears on the floor.
It's the fluctuating aspect of motherhood that develops a mama's ability to "think on her feet." You have to always be ready with an alternative. An answer. A creative solution. There is no time in the realm of motherhood to get stuck in a rut! You never feel quite settled. It's the sensation of teetering to close to the edge of an unfathomable abyss. And, you can't see the bottom!
The soft part of motherhood is when you get to take time to snuggle on the couch, talk about trivial matters, read a book, tickle a back, giggle at whatever seems funny at the moment, and just enjoy your children. These times are the blessings of being a mama. It's a short time to taste the exquisite fruit of your labor. A time to enjoy the sweetness of your children.
The hard part of motherhood is all of the other stuff! The "training" of a child is a full-time job. It's a career... with a well-balanced, responsible, mature adult as the main retirement benefit. The hard part of motherhood are the times you doubt yourself. It's when you stray from your intuition. It's when you don't "give in" because it's easier for you. It's when you hang on with all of your strength and you use your patience, knowledge, and love to guide your child to be the best they can be. It's loving against all odds.
Soft and hard. Hard and soft. It's the intermingling of the two parts of motherhood that produce a happy medium. A just right. It's the balance of motherhood. The feeling that "I have loved completely, and I have been completely loved."

Hiatus

I've taken a bit of a hiatus lately from writing. I don't know why. I still write volumes in my head...
I think I've been involved with other things. Children, house cleaning, reading, working out, entertaining, photography, getting organized... life is just full... of living!
I've also been doing a lot of praying lately. I have some close friends who are going through some big trials in their own lives and I think of them a lot throughout the day. I marvel at their grace, humility, and faith during their trial and wonder if I could "hold up" as well under additional stress. I just don't know. And, I'm not asking to find out!
I truly believe God "will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear." I Corinthians 10:13 ..."And God is faithful... But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." He will be there for us in every situation. We just have to rely on Him. And that is so hard...
As humans, we want to be in control. I often rush into making a decision I think is right before consulting God. Why? Maybe I think I'm smart... I can figure it out. Maybe I don't want to admit I need help... I can do it by myself. Maybe I really think I have the answers for everything!
I have been having my own internal struggle lately. It's not a huge deal... but I need to be in control of it. Why? Is my faith weak? Am I not fully relying on God?
I recently started a small business venture. I decided to start a photography business. Photography is something I love... something that I want to share with others. I want to keep it small. I really just want to make some extra money for extra camera equipment!
So, the dilemma has been keeping my pride in check. Yes, I feel proud of myself when people love my photography. No, I don't want it to go to my head. I am very critical of myself. I usually find something wrong with every picture I take... why? (I think this might be a way to keep myself humble. Kind of an inner humility meter!)
Something that has helped me in this is making an effort to remember my Creator in everything I do. He formed me. He gave me whatever "talent" I might have. My creativity is just a small picture of what He is.
When I look at my photography through this lens... it keeps everything in perspective. It helps me to soar with my talent. It helps me to shine my light. It helps me to work with grace and humility. It helps me to glorify God in all that I do...
I Corinthians 10:31 "whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."

Butterfly

I thought this feeling of growing pains would go away some day...

But, I suppose if you stop growing and learning... you stop living. As far as I know, no one (with the exception of Jesus) has figured it all out.

So, some days I feel like a full-grown butterfly. I spread my delicate wings and I fly from flower to flower. I sit on a petal and soak up the sun. I'm a hearty butterfly... it takes a lot to crush my wings...

Other days I feel like crawling back into my cocoon. I just want to be alone. I just want to sleep. I want to hide. I need to fully mature.

Still, some days I feel like I have just emerged (again) and I sit impatiently waiting for my new wings to dry... so I can fly off and share my newness with others.

I think the caterpillar stage was the easiest. I had somewhere to go. I was busy growing. I was looking forward. I had to watch out for the birds but I could blend into my environment fairly well.

Oh. This life cycle. It's round and round. It's really not a series of stages at all.

A Pivotal Moment

I may have written about this experience in the past... so, if I have... bear with me.

In junior high, I came home from school one day disheartened and frustrated. I was even a little angry. I remember telling my mother about how tired I was of a few kids who were cheating on tests in one of my classes. I had known for awhile this was going on but became very discouraged by it when the cheating resulted in a better grade than mine.

I started crying and told her "it just wasn't fair." I had listened, taken notes, and studied for my test while they had slacked and cheated. (I was still too timid to realize I could have exposed the cheaters...) I told her I wanted to quit school... it just wasn't worth it... I was tired of seeing cheaters benefit from doing wrong.

She calmly listened to my story. She went and got a Bible and read to me from Psalm 37. "Do not fret because of evildoers,         nor be envious of the workers of iniquity..." My anger and frustration melted away. All of a sudden, I could deal with wrong in the world. I was confident God was watching all of us... and taking notes. I knew I wanted to "trust in the Lord, and do good." It didn't matter what others around me chose to do... I had no control over others... only myself. And, I was determined to do my best!

My mother changed my outlook that day. Yes, I get frustrated and sometimes depressed about the depravity of human nature. But, I also rejoice in the good of many people. A lot of people are simply trying to do their best. And, I pray... with God's help... I am one of them!

Last moments

I'm trying to savor the last moments of my vacation in Arizona. I always start feeling overwhelmed at the end of a vacation... thinking about what I have to do upon the return home to get back in the swing of things.

I've enjoyed my time alone with my husband. I've enjoyed reconnecting with my in-laws. I've enjoyed spending a few days with my sister-in-law. I missed my children the three days we were apart... it made me appreciate them even more!

This time in Phoenix and Sedona has given me a broader look at life. I've had a peek into a slightly different culture in this vast land I call home. I appreciate the beauty of a desert climate more than when I left home a week ago.

The Arizona state motto is "God enriches." I truly see his hand in the landscape here. The colors of the red rocks and native vegetation are breathtaking! This perfectly balanced palate of colors could only be by the hand of an Almighty Creator. I was in awe of his creative genius when he made this place... and then allowed me to see it.

I've tried to capture Sedona's beauty in pictures... but I'm afraid I've fallen short of the task. The red rocks are something that need to be experienced first hand. (I only wish I could come live here through all of the seasons of a year.)

I will take home many memories. I hiked. I climbed. I saw. I felt. I experienced. I even "shared" the experience of the Grand Canyon with eight people who had never witnessed the magic of the biggest canyon on the globe!

I feel so blessed. I'm so thankful for all I've enjoyed over the past week. New views. New experiences. New memories with my family.

Good bye, Arizona... until next time.

God blesses...

I love the simple things.

I ran six miles on Saturday with three other women... simple... yet excellent. Good conversation. Good exercise. Good times.

I spent 30 extra minutes in bed with my husband on a not quite lazy Sunday morning (we had to be at church by 10:00)... simple... yet beyond comment. Good snugglin'.

I watch my children grow. I see them question everything... just like me. I love how they thirst for learning...

God blesses me in abundance in the simple treasures he gives me. The simple treasures I experience in every day life. I love being able to "turn up the heat" when I feel a chill. I love having a friend for lunch and realizing it wasn't a random choice of mine. (She really needed me to help her with a current crisis in her life.)
I love seeing God provide for me exactly what I need...

He provides the challenges. He provides the answers. He provides the opportunity... to grow. To learn. To experience. To help. To love.

I look at my child of almost 5 years old. And I know God loves me. He challenged me with something I thought I couldn't handle... and now I know to fully trust him. She is such a vital part of my life I don't know who I would be without her.

I'm always waiting and wondering and living in the moment of "what is next?" Just around the corner... I know you will challenge me again... and again.

And.
I'm ready.

Teacher or student?

I am teaching a childrens' Sunday School at my church and the lesson today was from II Chronicles 12. Rehoboam was the king of Israel and he and the people had "abandoned the law of the Lord." So, Shishak king of Egypt attacked Jerusalem. The prophet, Shemaiah, told Rehoboam and the rulers of Judah, "This is what the Lord says, 'You have abandoned me, therefore, I now abandon you to Shishak.'"
The children and I discussed how we must always try our best to obey God. He is the provider of so many good things for us. He even gives us our life! We can't turn our back on him and then expect him to be there for us in our time of need.
We read the next few verses which discuss how King Rehoboam and the leaders of Israel humbled themselves and even said, "God is just." It is even during the natural consequence of our sin that we must realize God is always right. He has provided a wonderful way for us to live in health and peace. When we decide to leave God's path and make our own way, why are we surprised when we run into trouble? It's when we mess up that we must repent of what we've done, humble ourselves, and ask for forgiveness and another chance.
After "the Lord saw that they humbled themselves, this word of the Lord came to Shemaiah: 'Since they have humbled themselves, I will not destroy them but will soon give them deliverance. My wrath will not be poured out on Jerusalem through Shishak. They will, however, become subject to him, so that they may learn the difference between serving me and serving the kings of other lands.'"
We then discussed how God will forgive us every time we ask him to when we ask with a sincere heart. We must have a sincere desire to try our best. God will forgive us but he won't necessarily remove the natural consequences of our actions. For some reason, most humans aren't smart enough to learn without repercussions... only Jesus overcame his flesh completely and perfectly.
We also had a short discussion on serving God versus serving man. They all decided they trusted God more then humans. They wanted to serve God because he was always just and merciful.
I read with these children. I try to open up the layers of scripture for them and I find myself learning too. I find myself rededicating my life to God for another week. I see the children learning simple lessons I hope they will turn to when faced with hard decisions in their young lives.
Simple lessons even we, as adults, can use in our own lives.

"Don't abandon God."

"God is just."

"Serve God rather than man."

Learning to Love Yourself

"Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." Notice, the prerequisite to loving others is to love yourself. If you don't have a healthy respect for who you are, and if you don't learn to accept yourself (faults and all), you will never be able to properly love other people."  -Joel Osteen; Become a Better You

Loving yourself requires honest self-evaluation. It requires a daily look in the mirror to examine your "good" and "bad" characteristics. It requires a perfect example to look up to for comparison.

My perfect example is God (Yahweh, my Creator) and his son, Jesus. I mainly look to my Creator for the instruction manual for living a good life. He created me. He knows every intricate detail about me. He knows what is best for me and outlines in his inspired word the best way to a blessed life.

I look to his son, Jesus, for inspiration. Jesus, being human like me, knew (and knows) my daily struggle with sin. He understood (and understands) weakness, exhaustion, frustration, etc. He demonstrates to me through his recorded life on earth how to turn to God for every answer. God IS the answer. Every time!

Loving yourself is really quite simple. If I realize I am made in God's image, how can I be ashamed of who I am? If I accept God's grace, how can I fail? If I mess up and truly turn around (repent) and am forgiven, how can I not love myself? God loves me!

When I love myself, I can truly love others. I can show them a self-confident, self-assured (of salvation), blessed, compassionate and merciful person. When I love myself, I am showing others the benefits of knowing, loving, and trusting in my Creator. Others will notice the love you show them. And they will want to be a part of that love.

Another first...

I will be photographing my first wedding on May 1st. I've had plenty of time to analyze how I will capture this special occasion. I know what I'll have in my bag. I've got a mental list of "must have" shots. I've had several discussions with the bride about her expectations of me. So, I'm not really nervous about the work.

I'm just a bit cynical about the wedding day. I always hope any couple is going into the "big day" thinking more about the marriage than the wedding. The marriage is what counts. The wedding is simply the beginning. A celebration. A promise.

In our modern American society, the wedding vows are too often dismissed at the first sign of trouble. At the first hardship. At the first trial. I believe the current statistic is 50% of marriages will end in divorce. The statistics are quite staggering...

I don't want to be cynical. I want to be full of hope for the happy couple. I want to wish them a life of blessings. But, I know there will be hard times. There will be moments they look at their "chosen one" and wonder what they were thinking...

Current wedding photography trends vary from a photo journalistic style to a fantasy magazine spread style. I've viewed some shoots where the couple looked like two models posing for a magazine shoot... wardrobe changes included! I think the latter is fun and makes for beautiful pictures but I wonder about the couple's expectations of their marriage.

Being married for almost 15 years, I know there are moments of aesthetic beauty, pure romance, and a bit of fantasy. But, I also know the real of marriage. The disagreements. The babies that never sleep! The sick children. The out-of-town work scenario. The bills. When I reflect on my own marriage, I wonder if the newlyweds have any idea of what marriage entails. I guess I really didn't... and I'm still married... and very happy!

I know I'll be having these thoughts while I'm snapping pictures. I won't be able to help it. It's me. I'm very realistic.

Hopefully, I will say a day of prayers for this couple. I will will them a multitude of blessings. Much happiness! And, I will work my hardest to capture images that detail the beginnings of a beautiful marriage.

Last Place?

D has been out of town since last Thursday. He is working on an important project for his company and his own career. D, being the official "breadwinner" in our family needs my support.

Unfortunately, his unexpected trip came at an inconvenient time for my new venture into the world of photography. My first wedding shoot had been scheduled for May 1st since mid-January. He knew this. It was on his calendar. He promised to be here. But, of course, he had to be out of town.

I have discussed with him over the past few years how my plans are ALWAYS secondary to his plans... whether they be work-related or otherwise. He has tried to argue this point with me... saying it just wasn't and isn't true. He gets perturbed every time the topic comes up and says, "Do you want to make the living for the family?" "No," I say. "Well... what do you want me to do about it?" he asks.

I guess I just want him to acknowledge the "sacrifices" I make for the family just like I realize and acknowledge the "sacrifices" he makes for the family. He often thanks me for keeping the house clean, taking care of the children, etc. He loves me unconditionally. He supports me in my interests. I just come second place... it's hard for me to swallow this... probably because of my pride.

Despite D being out of town, the wedding was photographed. My mom and sister, Mandie, helped out with the children. My younger sister, Martie, assisted me. (I couldn't have done it without her.) God gave me the strength and the peace of mind and the talent I needed to do a good job. So, it all worked out in its own way. Just not the way I would have chosen.

It's hard putting myself last so much. Always my husband and children before myself can be tiresome. I get frustrated with this more than I should... it's my selfishness. I need to stop worshiping at the idol of me and realize all I have been given by my Creator. "The first shall be last and the last shall be first" goes through my mind a few times each week. I need to always remember my Savior, Jesus Christ, when I am feeling "sorry" for myself because I'm not getting my way. I need to remember what he did for me. He put himself in last place. And he gained the world.

Just think what I am gaining by putting myself in last place? Possibly... the world! By my selflessness, I am setting an example for my husband, children, family, neighbors, friends, and even strangers. I am living Jesus. I am being a light. I must give this gift and give it with a happy heart, a peaceful demeanor, and a good attitude. When I am feeling second or last place, I must realize how the Creator is blessing me every day.

How can I feel in any other place but first when I understand how much my Maker loves me?

Routine

The routine of motherhood is very comforting to me. I wake up to an alarm and immediately start my day by waking Asher with a "good morning" and handing him his school clothes. When D is home he goes upstairs and wakes up Lil. One of us starts the all important coffee maker and I decide what to feed the kids for breakfast. After I've read the school lunch menu and the kids have decided if they want to "take" or "buy" their lunch, I prepare lunches or get a minute to peruse the headlines of the newspaper and get a few sips of my coffee. There is always the last minute rush of lunches, shoes, and backpacks before heading out the door for the 5-minute carpool trip to get to school before the tardy bell rings! On my weeks "off" of carpool, I give kisses at the door and walk back in for a leisurely read of the newspaper (unless my sister is here to workout).

In my ten years of mothering, my routine has changed several times. When I worked as a speech pathologist, there were babysitters to consider. When I had one small child in Pre-K and a baby at home, there were sleeping schedules to plan. When I was pregnant and puking all day long with two small children in tow, there were many moments I didn't think I would survive the hour. Now, motherhood is all-consuming in a whole new way! Challenges change. Priorities differ. Schedules get crazier by the month!

Being the selfish human being that I am... I wonder when is "my time." I have been struggling with this over the past few months. I have wanted to devote myself to my photography more and more... so I have done some praying. Every human being wants to be successful. I want to be successful. I was feeling "unfulfilled." But, when I looked at the reason why... it baffled me! I am a success. A success at mothering. A success at being a faithful partner to my husband. A success at running a household. A success at encouraging other mothers. A success at being available to help others when they need an extra hand.

After having a lovely and unexpected chat with a grandmother at the ballpark a few weeks ago, I felt a new peace. I am doing a job. A very important job. This job gets little recognition and no fame but its rewards are everlasting. She assured me I was making the right choice to be at home with my children. "The time passes so quickly," she said. "You won't believe how fast they grow up." She encouraged me to stick with it. She told me nothing was more important than my family. Nothing. "Work accomplishments pale in comparison to seeing your children succeed in life," she told me.

Motherhood suits me. I never lay awake at night worrying about my job as a mama. I always feel confident in my decisions. I don't second guess. I don't think about what other people will think of my children. I don't stress. (I may get my feathers ruffled over bad behavior or a messy house... but I can manage those mishaps.) The routine of motherhood suits me. It lets me be creative. It challenges me. It rewards me. And, I really am thankful for the employment opportunity!

I Timothy 6:6 "But godliness with contentment is great gain."